Being Pulled in the Future

So much has been happening lately.

I was drinking my coffee the morning of the fifth. I get a call from the career services lady of my alma mater, DU. She says there is a woman who has data entry to do through the end of April. Would I be interested? I call the woman instantly. Suddenly, I have a job through the end of the month, or at least the end of this week. I have gotten more done than she imagined I could in a short time.

This is the deal with her. She is of Chinese descent, but her citizenship is Swiss and she grew up in mid-Michigan. She resigned from a company that has something to do with crypto-currencies. She has been traveling and lecturing years all over the world and needs someone to sort receipts and enter them into spreadsheets. That would be me. Anything she cannot document with receipts, she cannot be reimbursed for by the Swiss company she resigned from. She does not get paid for anything that cannot be documented. We are talking January 2017 through March 2018. One the one hand, she is really picky and there is no way to make her happy. On the other hand, I am saving her butt. There is an old saying that applies: a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. I do the very best I can. I am in this for the good reference. But her stress level is purely self-induced. She did this to herself. Period. I have been the reliable worker from the beginning. Others help when they can, but I have done the bulk of the work myself.

I feel like I am being pulled from the future.

And I am trying to honor Barry. The memorial at the AA club is in a few weeks. I have very few pictures of him. My entire life, I have struggled with depression and not particularly wanting to live. I have been very thorough at making sure that there are almost no visual reminders of my existence. Whenever I have seen a camera, I have made every effort to get behind it, not in front of it. It worked. Almost no one has pictures of me from the past few decades of my life. So now, after years of refusing to take pictures of anything, I have few pictures of Barry to put on poster board for his memorial.

I feel like the next phase of my life is starting. I would be fine free-lancing in the occupational world. I have health insurance and a pension, thanks to Barry. Working is not urgent. But I love being useful and there will always be work out there I can do that needs to be done. But I need to honor my past with Barry, all thirty years of it. We were married for 29. I married at 21 and am now 50 and single.

It is hard letting go of the past, but the future is so much brighter than the past ever was. I miss Barry, a lot sometimes. But there are so many parts of our past I cannot imagine missing. I am slowly recovering.

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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

2 responses to “Being Pulled in the Future”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I spent many years avoiding the camera too for whatever reasons….so there is a huge void….I didn’t know that you were a long time depression sufferer…my take was that it was because of Barry’s illness and all of the crap you had been going through. Great on the job. It’s something to do right now!

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    Been depressed since I was about ten. That’s the way it goes. My mom’s mom had the same issue. I believe a large chunk is genetic. I have been more functional lately than ever. Yea.

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