I’ve been trying to keep a positive attitude lately, with varying degrees of success. I concluded that I am pushing too hard to find a job and that is part of why I have not been doing well at it. So that is one part of what is going on.
Then there are people’s physical problems. I found out last week a friend has cervical cancer. She does not know how serious it is because she just went to the doctor for the first time since she was a teenager and she is in her early 50’s now. Who knows how long it has been spreading? And she has little insurance. And then there are my brothers. One has COPD. Another had a heart attack last year and didn’t tell anyone for a few months. And the other, you guessed it, has cancer, a baseball-sized lump on his collar bone.
And a couple weeks ago, I found out that the cemetery had not even started the paperwork for Barry’s grave marker. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt because we had had such a soggy spring. They just put in the paperwork about a week ago and things should take six to eight weeks.
The only person in my life whose life is going uphill, as opposed to sliding down the slippery slope of entropy and self-neglect, is my friend out in Maryland. She is studying for the bar in PA. However, the only reason she has the time to do so is because she got fired in March.
One of my thoughts has been that perhaps I haven’t been fortunate getting a job because my friend may need rides to chemo, radiation, or whatever.
I want to be around people whose lives are improving, not deteriorating. I want to be inspired. I want to start my life over. What is going on?
I am no longer numb, that’s for sure.
I have been applying for so many jobs and getting nothing. The worst part is that some of the jobs are full-time even though they are listed as part-time. That means I am deceived into going to interviews for jobs I don’t even want. And then somehow feeling like a loser when I don’t get them. “What’s wrong with me?! Why doesn’t anybody want me?!” The emotional drama is exhausting. I don’t do drama well, even my own.
All I am looking for is some experience before I high-tail it out of Michigan. I would like to live here maybe one more year.
I am not sleeping well. Sometimes it feels like a weight is on my chest.
On the fifth was the memorial. It was great. There was a beautiful cake with a bulldog face and it said, “Dogs rule, cats drool.” I was out of it for the next few days. It took everything out of me. But Barry was honored and my parents thought the Toastmasters really made me a better speaker.
I miss Barry so bad. Not the guy that died, but the guy I married. I’m sure the guy that died is way more comfortable in the afterlife than he was in that hospital bed. His life at the end was miserable for both of us. But I was seriously unprepared for the loneliness. I haven’t been single since I lived with my parents before I got married. There is the one friend I want to talk to but I will not call simply because I do not want to listen to her talk about her husband and her boyfriend. I resent her putting me in this position. So, even though I am painfully lonely, I do not call her because I might go off on her. And no one needs that. Life throws so much drama at us. Why do some people insist on creating more of it?
I have decided to take it easy on myself. I am giving myself credit for putting myself out there and looking for a job. I am making the effort.
But now I see why some women run out to the bars looking for a new mate. I hate bars and drinking. But being alone just feels wrong on some level. All this freedom gives new widows opportunities to make poor choices that never had the chance to make earlier in their lives.
My challenge now is to figure out what I want to give to the world. I feel like I have a lot to offer, but I need something very meaningful. There is almost nothing I couldn’t do, if I just knew what it was.
I feel like my life is moving and shifting right now. It is an odd feeling, but also right.
Saturday, I had Barry’s memorial service. It was very nice. I got through it, with a lot of crying. One of his sponsors spoke. Some other AA people spoke. It was very beautiful and inspirational. The cake, which my cat pal bought and brought, was beautiful. It said, “Dogs Rule, Cats Drool.” The bulldog face, made of frosting, was wonderful. It even had that canine under-bite. It was so cool. We had DeLuca’s pizza. It doesn’t get any better than that.
I am having interviews all over the place. I knew that once people figured out the skills I have, and the currently unlimited availability, someone would want me. I have an interview on Friday and then another one next Monday. And that doesn’t even count the house-flipping guy I might help out on the side.
What has been odd has been how people seem to want my absolution, like I am a priest or something. For example, the people on Barry’s grandsons’s side of the family did not show up. The grandma clearly wanted me to say, “It’s okay that you went to someone else’s funeral. I understand why absolutely nobody from that side came.” I did not comply. I reminded her that this was the only memorial service for Barry I would ever put on and that having nobody from that side show up added an element of tragedy to the service. I never expected everyone from that side to show up. Her agenda was for me to make her feel better and I very tactfully, yet clearly and undeniably, stated my opinion. I was like, “Uh…No. Having nobody from that side show up was sad. And, by the way, someday, the boys will realize that nobody from that side bothered to take them to their grandpa Barry’s funeral. Now you get to take that to your grave.” She was looking for absolution and I reminded her of karma, basically. I got over the anger, but I am still a little taken aback by the expectation that people should be able to disregard my or Barry’s needs and I should be A-okay with it. Barry got crapped on his whole life and I was his only advocate. And that tradition continued even after his death. That’s the reality.
I have also had other people want me to reassure them lately that their behavior is okay with me. And I often do not comply. Is it my age? Nobody gave a rat’s ass what I thought twenty years ago. I don’t get it. People behave in completely self-destructive ways and expect my blessing. What are they thinking? Where is this expectation coming from?
Today, my mom and I put together my bed. I wanted her help so I would be able to know how to do it myself when I move someday. I feel like I am preparing to move, but I have no idea when that will be. But the interview on Monday is for the company that asked online my willingness to travel or even move and I clicked on 100% on both.
Things are changing and I truly feel like I have begun the next phase of my life. Woo-hoo!