Trying to be Positive

I’ve been trying to keep a positive attitude lately, with varying degrees of success. I concluded that I am pushing too hard to find a job and that is part of why I have not been doing well at it. So that is one part of what is going on.

Then there are people’s physical problems. I found out last week a friend has cervical cancer. She does not know how serious it is because she just went to the doctor for the first time since she was a teenager and she is in her early 50’s now. Who knows how long it has been spreading? And she has little insurance. And then there are my brothers. One has COPD. Another had a heart attack last year and didn’t tell anyone for a few months. And the other, you guessed it, has cancer, a baseball-sized lump on his collar bone.

And a couple weeks ago, I found out that the cemetery had not even started the paperwork for Barry’s grave marker. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt because we had had such a soggy spring. They just put in the paperwork about a week ago and things should take six to eight weeks.

The only person in my life whose life is going uphill, as opposed to sliding down the slippery slope of entropy and self-neglect, is my friend out in Maryland. She is studying for the bar in PA. However, the only reason she has the time to do so is because she got fired in March.

One of my thoughts has been that perhaps I haven’t been fortunate getting a job because my friend may need rides to chemo, radiation, or whatever.

I want to be around people whose lives are improving, not deteriorating. I want to be inspired. I want to start my life over. What is going on?

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Trying to be Positive”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Interesting perspective on your friend and might need transportation….maybe that seeped in through the muck from your soul? Maybe you are pushing through and not listening to yourself every day. Are u able to meditate?

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