Need to Find a New Way
I am stuck but curious. I feel like I have the inkling of a new direction but have no confidence.
Problem: absolutely everything seems to have negative (read: shameful, fearful, emotionally/physically painful) associations. I can’t go left or right, up or down, backwards/forwards. This has made life seriously not worth living.
But my mind is curious. I bought this book, Awake at the Bedside. It is fascinating. It is by a number of authors talking about end-of-life issues, some from a specifically Buddhist perspective. So far, it is talking a lot about “just being” by the dying person and palliative care.
My frustration with Barry’s death was that I was physically there for everything, but not mentally because I was told nine days before he died that hospice probably would not be needed for “months down the road.” I was watching him die and misinterpreting everything as something I would have to deal with for maybe the next year. OMG. When do I put him in a nursing home? When do I get more morphine for him? I was planning the next step and there was no next step. I was planning the next leg of a journey that was over. There is such a difference between being physically someplace and being there emotionally/mentally.
I don’t want anyone else to be as clueless as I was. I want to know the signs of death that I witnessed and misinterpreted. I want to be able to help other caregivers at least a little bit.
How on earth do I do this without inevitably triggering all my shame issues? I feel trapped in my head.