GettingMy Needs Met
I am emotionally exhausted.I feel like everyone is dying. I know that that perception comes from Barry’s death combined with my brothers’ health going downhill all in the past couple years.
But when I hear people talking about other humans like they just don’t matter, a whole different part of me freaks out. This feels apocalyptic. There is a tropical storm entering Louisiana right now. Name? Barry. The power went off tonight for about 40k New Yorkers tonight. The lights are going out in this country, literally.
I told my mom today that I wouldn’t be coming over anymore and playing cards. I told her that I felt Dad simply lacked compassion and empathy and that when he started defending the Japanese interment camps, my immediate emotional conclusion was, “OMG. Dad has no soul.” I told her that it was just too exhausting to go over there and that it wasn’t enjoyable for me.
Do I feel guilty and ashamed? A little. But I also feel hugely relieved. I am prioritizing my needs. I would rather feel guilty and ashamed and get some emotional rest than to plod along feeling guilty and ashamed and get even further depleted.
I told Ma that she was the person I felt bad for, watching her sons die. It turns out Mike had a stroke, is paralyzed on his left side, and is now on hospice. His oldest son doesn’t think he has long to live.
I simply cannot feel bad for my father. Narcissists always get their needs met. This is part of how they operate. They push past everyone else’s limits and then when someone has the audacity to set a boundary, they cry foul and say you are hurting their feelings. He can push, push, push,and I am supposed to just suck it up and take it. NOT. I am unwilling to push back. I am just done.
Am I done forever? I don’t know. All I know now is that I am emotionally exhausted and my tolerance for push, push, pushing right now is zero.