Plugged the Leak
Once again, I stayed home this past Sunday, as opposed to going to my parents’ house, eating supper, and playing games. And, once again, it was wonderful. Sunday was downright restful.
And then it hit me: I have more energy.
I had been going to their place a lot since Barry passed. And my energy had been declining. I had been spending more and more time with my family and it had been depleting all my emotional resources. I can’t believe I did not connect the two. Once I made the decision to, once again, back away from my family, lo and behold, my energy reserves were gradually restored. Imagine that.
Decades ago, it dawned on me that my brothers and I seemed to rotate as to whom was having the greatest drama. When someone would start to get their life together, a different one of us would suddenly be in crisis. Hmmmmmm……………
As I removed myself from the family, I grew out of touch with what was happening, much to my relief. I simply do not want or need to know about illegal or destructive lifestyle choices. As the years went by, I started feeling guilty about not being part of the family and I started thinking that we were all getting older and maturing. In the past few years, and especially since Barry’s passing, I started deliberately participating more in family functions, much to my detriment. I observed the continuing destructive lifestyle choices and realized that my family had actually been learning nothing. Nada. Zilch. My assumption that they were maturing was false. Unaddressed problems plus time equals much more severe problems and consequences. Alanon is always right. When nothing changes, nothing changes. It is all so simple and obvious. As long as one is not in denial.
Perhaps I can deal with my family in small doses, an hour at a time at most. Someday when I have more more energy. On my terms only.
Now I wonder what will happen as I withdraw again. As I reclaim my energy, it will be fascinating to observe. From a safe distance.