No-Self, Dissociation, and Shame

I’ve been reading a lot about shame. And connecting dots all over the place.

One thing I have read is that toxic shame can cause dissociative experiences. OMG. I have had so many of those experiences that it is creepy. When I am under serious stress, I can be unsure of even my existence.

How did none of my therapists make the connection, ever? Everything I read about toxic shame applies to me.

One of the things about shame I had forgotten was that addiction is driven by shame. One more thing I have in common with my brothers, only I have had to tell my self-loathing stone cold sober.

Buddhism talks a lot about no-self, but this is not what they have in mind. You cannot sacrifice something you were never in full possession of in the first place.

The difference between now and thirty years ago is that I now have the time to focus on myself and deal with this. And deal with it I must. I know viscerally that absolutely no part of my life can work until I deal with this issue. Not career, friendships, work, family, nothing. I thought getting an MBA would give me confidence. Nope. It just doesn’t work that way. I have to deal with this.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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