Doing a lot of Sorting

I had a psychoanalyst appointment today. I think she finds me highly entertaining. I guess that’s good.

What I am really working on is figuring out what my issues are versus other people’s. There can be either/or or both/and. It’s not all cut-and-dried or black-and-white.

We all work out our issues on each other and I don’t think there is a way to avoid that.

I have thought a lot about going back to the meeting. I understand that I misread everything about the meeting. The meeting changed and my needs stopped getting met, but I was too overwhelmed dealing with Barry and then his loss to even begin to notice.

What I have realized is that my bottom line has not changed: if it is “inappropriate” for me to say that I wish to be able to speak without interruption, then I am done with this meeting. If that makes me come off as arrogant or condescending, then I plan on being arrogant and condescending for the rest of my life–and proud of it. I realized that I have had this problem only with this group. Nowhere else in life have I encountered a group where sticking up for oneself was so disapproved of. That does not make my expectation wrong or off, only theirs.

I am trying very hard to take responsibility for my stuff, but only my stuff. I am looking hard at my own expectations and behavior. What’s reasonable and what’s not? Where do I want to invest my time and energy into?

But some things do not change. There is never a point negotiating non-negotiables. And you have to know where yours are. Apologizing to keep the peace might be a way to keep a job that one desperately needs (something that I, thank goodness, have never had to do), but it is a poor road map to healthy friendships. Friendships are based on common values and if sticking up for a primary value is “inappropriate”, it is the friendship that needs to be questioned, not the primary value. Somewhere in the Old Testament is a proverb that applies here: “Unless two be agreed, how can they walk together?” That’s where I am.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Doing a lot of Sorting”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Very poor roadmap to healthy relationships. Go with your intuition on this one…you know your thinking is right….maybe focus on why you want to go back????

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