Archive | December 2019


I find myself more determined than ever to meditate. Slowing down. Listening to myself, the cosmos, changing my brainwaves. I feel like everything I want and need is within, if I can find it. What do I want? How do I want to do it? I believe it must all come from within.

Everything external keeps changing. One of my favorite bosses just quit. It breaks my heart. She was my champion. I feel like everything is is slippery. Try to hold on to it and it squeezes out of your hand. I can see why people try to hold on to things (hoarders) but the effort is futile.

I saw a cat Christmas day, Shyla. I pet her and gave her treats. I am trying to be a blessing to her owner, my friend Lynn. Live feline dufuses are all good.

I am coming up on two years without Barry. OMG. I still miss him so much it makes me ache. The love is for the man who m I spent so many good years with, not the one who passed away in my living room. It was a horrible way to go. The cold is a trigger because it was all of five degrees the day he died. My recommendation is that people who know they have the Huntington gene not reproduce and take that chance. The word “suffering” is insufficient.

And here I am trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can think more clearly now because, when he first died, I spent a long time just numb. Now I am not numb, but dealing honestly with my issues.

No matter what is happening, wonderful or awful, it is temporary. Just remember that.

Just a Matter of Time

I have been thinking “it’s just a matter of time” lately about pretty much everything.

A few weeks ago, I went to my brother’s house. He sat in his chair with a grandson. It was so beautiful. They were so happy together. But Dave’s already had one heart attack and refuses to change his diet at all. My heart breaks for Dave’s son, who is about twenty, and the grandkids. I cannot imagine losing my dad before I turned thirty, which I think is a very likely scenario. My parents are still alive and in Florida at this moment. (Which is good because it didn’t hit twenty degrees today here.) I seriously doubt Dave’s wife is going to put on these giganto affairs once he is gone. Each minute is poignant.

Today I made peanut butter balls with my former Protestant minister’s wife. I think she might be coming down with Alzheimer’s. Her mind seems to be going very quickly. I can hardly believe in the change in just the past year.

Then there’s politics. I don’t what will happen, but I do have one guarantee: Trump will not be in office forever. Absolutely everything Trump gets away with now, the next Democratic president will get away with, and more.

No one seems to get the idea that actions have consequences. Eventually “later” becomes “now.” Then we have to live with the fallout of what we have done. And the fallout of what everyone else has done.

Worrying about the future doesn’t help. Trying to do the right thing now is the only real ethical option. It is an imperfect system on a good day.

Everything really is just a matter of time. Enjoy what you have. Be grateful for the good stuff. Try to do no harm.

Contradictory Impulses?

I have been trying to be kinder to myself lately. Now that Barry is gone, I can actually focus on myself. This is partly at the urging of my psychoanalyst.

So I am trying to be true to myself, without really knowing what that means.

But, at the same time, I feel a need to somehow integrate ethics into my life. What are ethics? They come from a sense of right and wrong, not exactly popular concepts these days. They are a means of trying to help all people be and feel respected. The rules apply to everyone equally.

Buddhist ethics seem to be all about not harming. I like the idea. I don’t think I could be vegetarian, but celibacy would be doable.

But what I am thinking of is more along the lines of accountability. When someone’s behavior is wildly out of line, what recourse is there? I encounter people who think that they can do whatever they want and nobody has the right to respond in any way, shape, or form. I find the expectation delusional at best. We all have the right to hold each other accountable. To think otherwise is Trump-ian and narcissistic to the max.

Everything seems to come down to power and control. But demographics have changed. The days of old white guys deciding what is real for the rest of us are long gone.  Until our society settles on a commonly-held set of standards for behavior that works for a whole lot more people, everyone, everywhere will have to define their terms carefully and try very hard to be nice to others, unless and until they do something blatantly disrespectful.

Is there a better way of doing things?