Determined

I find myself more determined than ever to meditate. Slowing down. Listening to myself, the cosmos, changing my brainwaves. I feel like everything I want and need is within, if I can find it. What do I want? How do I want to do it? I believe it must all come from within.

Everything external keeps changing. One of my favorite bosses just quit. It breaks my heart. She was my champion. I feel like everything is is slippery. Try to hold on to it and it squeezes out of your hand. I can see why people try to hold on to things (hoarders) but the effort is futile.

I saw a cat Christmas day, Shyla. I pet her and gave her treats. I am trying to be a blessing to her owner, my friend Lynn. Live feline dufuses are all good.

I am coming up on two years without Barry. OMG. I still miss him so much it makes me ache. The love is for the man who m I spent so many good years with, not the one who passed away in my living room. It was a horrible way to go. The cold is a trigger because it was all of five degrees the day he died. My recommendation is that people who know they have the Huntington gene not reproduce and take that chance. The word “suffering” is insufficient.

And here I am trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can think more clearly now because, when he first died, I spent a long time just numb. Now I am not numb, but dealing honestly with my issues.

No matter what is happening, wonderful or awful, it is temporary. Just remember that.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Determined”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Wise words! As I look back on your blogs from the time taking care of Barry, I now recognize the anger of the circumstances and his diagnosis ….you were all up in it…living it day to day, minute by minute. I feel like you are breathing now. Not “happy” perhaps but moving onward and upward with your life and your thinking. Happy New Year! Those words said with meaning from me to you!

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