Working on Everyone’s Healing

Ever since Barry passed, I have tried to focus on myself and making myself whole. As a wife, I never felt my life was about me. It was always “us.” I couldn’t disentangle myself from others’ opinions and systems. I couldn’t tell where I began and ended.

I feel a lot more separate now. Now I’m not just someone’s wife. I really live alone. I have privacy.

I have been making progress towards moving. I want to move to the west end of Lansing where I work. I don’t want to move out-of-state during the pandemic. I want to see where the dust settles when all is said and done. How many of my family members will die because they don’t take the virus seriously?

I know I am making progress emotionally. I feel more whole, like the dots are connected more easily and naturally and less traumatically.

I have made a friend at work. Her husband is having psychiatric problems. Barry had dementia from the Huntington’s. I have a brother with early dementia from cirrhosis. Not exact parallels, but I understand some issues more than normal people. I can be a good person to listen. It feels good to be useful. I have no answers, but no one does.

We live in messed-up times. I can listen. I’ll settle for that for now.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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