It’s Raining

Of course, I am overwhelmed, but that seems to be the new normal.

Today, weather-wise, we had lake-effect rain. Yuck. Just like with lake-effect snow, it can be sunny and gorgeous in Milwaukee and crappy and drizzly on the other side of Lake Michigan. Not helping emotionally.

I am looking for an apartment on the west end of town closer to where I work. I am ridiculously ambivalent. Part of me wants to move so badly and another part does not want to leave the last place Barry lived. This is an internal struggle. No one can help me with this.

Part of me just wants to escape. I have a friend that keeps telling me she is “so over 2020.” I know what she means.

My challenge is maintaining my sense of self. When under stress, I can dissociate a little too easily. It is pure emotional survival, coming from my childhood. But then it’s like it’s not my life. I too easily think of myself in the third person. It is as if I am doing something and simultaneously watching myself do it. And the watcher and doer are not best friends.

My ultimate goal in life right now is to be gentle with myself. Maybe, someday, I will be an integrated human being and even love myself. Not overwhelmed. But whole.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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