I have been in a lot of pain lately over something that initially made no sense: having my satellite service disconnected on January third. I’ve known I would be moving for months. Hiring a mover? No problem. Planning to get cable hooked up? No problem. Cancelling my Dish service? I want to cry. Huh?
Talking about it with one friend, she reminded me of how certain things coincided time-wise. In 2008, Barry retired at the end of June. As part of retirement, my parents arranged for us to have Dish hooked up. One week after Barry retired, he had a big tumor on his neck and that was the start of the cancer drama of chemo, radiation, and surgery. Even when we moved to the apartment I am in now, Dish moved with us. And we have never had any problem with it whatsoever. But the new place doesn’t allow satellite and the buildings are kind of close together and I don’t know that they could get a signal.
Then I talked about it with another friend and she talked about how it would be a disconnection from my past. It hit me hard how it would be an actual, literal disconnection from some of what Barry and I had shared together. This is no metaphor. And I will have to do without any form of TV at all for a few days before I move because of my job. No TV? Part of me is panicking. And it’s not like I have no reading material.
Part of me has no sympathy for myself. One of my friends, the one in Maryland, left Michigan in bankruptcy and foreclosure. Right now, there is a bill that might not get signed into law, leaving many renters out on the street. Millions of Americans have no food. And I’m whining that I’m having my Dish service discontinued. I have some high-class problem and I know it.
At least I have some clue as to why I’m on the verge of tears now. Before I talked to my friends, it felt like such an odd over-reaction. Now I get it.
I am so aggravated. My computer has been slowly dying, but the process has accelerated in the past week. I didn’t know how to find my passwords, so I looked it up online. I found it and the computer won’t let me do it. I don’t know id I will lose access to my WordPress account or my Duolingo or anything else.
Emotionally, I flipped out a couple nights ago. It took an hour to wake up my computer. That’s what I need, to have another expense during the holidays and moving.
I was so overwhelmed by Christmas and moving that I decided to focus only on Christmas for now.
I have ordered a new computer from Staples. It will be ready tomorrow, but I didn’t (couldn’t) transfer and files from the crappy one I am using this minute and might die on me any second.
I am looking forward to getting a covid vaccine, now that we are more sure what the side effects are, but I will be at the back of the line, and I am good with that. I am not 65+, have no underlying conditions, do not live or work in a nursing home, am not a healthcare or essential worker, or anything. I assume I will get it in April or May.
I am doing the best I can. When I get over-stressed, I over-condition my hair. It’s a very primitive form of self-soothing. Think monkeys grooming each other. After going to Staples, I went to Ulta Beauty and bought a leave-in conditioner I have been curious about. My hair is so smooth and soft now it is ridiculous, but this is way better than my former ways of self-mutilation I used to participate in when I was stressed-out. And I smell fabulous to boot.
This is my horoscope for tomorrow:
“DEC 7, 2020: Keeping in touch with your friends is extremely important in life, but so is getting back in touch with yourself! Being aware of who you really are and what you really want out of life isn’t something that comes without careful and deliberate focus. Plus, it takes time. If you’re feeling the urge to knock off the social stuff for a while and just hang by yourself, do it. Once you separate from the distractions of other people, you will be able to come to some important conclusions.”
I believe that this is what the pandemic has forced so many of us to do: have some time alone with our thoughts.
I am moving next month. So many details. First, I have to get through the holidays. One thing at a time.
Clarity has been hard lately. When I was married, I knew exactly why I did everything: to take care of us and to make him comfortable. What I wanted and needed did not enter the equation many times. I ended up with a severe case of caretaker burnout and stopped wanting to live. It took a couple of years to recharge my batteries and not be just chronically overwhelmed. At last, I feel rested.
Then I am like, “Okay. Now what?” But the holidays are here and then I move. My plate is full, but at least I have some inkling as to why I am doing what I am doing.
Oh yeah, the new manager has a big, fat orange feline named Murphy and has shown me pictures of the corpulent cat. The things that entertain me.