I have had little else on my mind other than moving for a while now. And today I did it.
I am beyond exhausted. Physically, but emotionally as well. This is the first time I have ever moved without Barry. It feels wrong. I have cried a lot.
It has been such a disconnect. Everything in my life has pointed in this direction for years. Moving makes sense. I am closer to work. I think of this as a practice move for when I leave Michigan. This is all very logical and reasonable.
But emotionally I feel like I am dying. Maybe the old me is dying and that is the point.
I have not had TV for a few days, since Dish was disconnected. So I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos. Brene Brown. OMG. She is so good. She gets shame and vulnerability like no one else.
It’s just so odd having my brain say, “This is the normal order of things. This is all well and good.” Meanwhile, my heart feels like it is being crushed and I may not wake up in the morning.
I know what is going on. There is no mystery. For my entire life, but especially throughout my marriage, I had to function. I had to get things done. Feelings would have to be dealt with later because I have to take care of Barry or do this term paper or whatever. Guess what? It’s laaaateeeer now. That day has arrived. The massive over-reaction is actually thirty or even fifty years of repressed crap rising to the surface. My shrink even pointed out to me that it is no coincidence that the anniversary of Barry’s death is next week. My subconscious orchestrated the whole thing. So funny and annoying. I did this to myself.
I will be fine. Perhaps not immediately, but in the long run.