Freezing (Not Fighting or Fleeing)
In the triad of fight, flight, or freeze, I have always frozen. I am now understanding the impacts of that.
Part of the consequences of trauma (and I personally believe everyone has some degree of it), is that big chunks of the brain simply turn off. Seriously. Little patches will light up on a fMRI, but most of it will be dark. I have been feeling that blankness more specifically lately.
My shrink turned me onto “The Crappy Childhood Fairy,” Anna Runkle. I think that is a hilarious title, like a dysfunctional Wizard of Oz. I tried writing down my fears–and went blank. I know this blankness. I am familiar with it. But wow. “So this is what it feels like when my brain turns off. I think I get it now.”
I am having a problem at work. They have been promising to give me cashier training since before last July. It is now hour away from the following February. Last Thursday, I looked at the schedule and saw close to a half-dozen people scheduled to work on the floor, including myself. Their primary excuse for not giving me training is that they need someone to do my job. They really don’t want to lose me on the floor. I get more done than anyone. Just ask anyone. When I saw the schedule, it hit me hard emotionally, “They either start the training me for that next week, or they are not sincere and I am wasting my time waiting for them. Perhaps I need to update my resume–now.”
It hit me this weekend: being the frozen type, I can see why doing things like updating my resume is so hard. Something huge always has to happen before I make the necessary choices. Something has to make me thaw against my will.
I just moved to be closer to work. My husband passed a few years ago. I am determined to get as much healing done as possible within the next year. I am making progress. The Crappy Childhood Fairy has an awesome worksheet to get one motivated to do some major healing within a year.
But I also realized that the drama is all internal. Rehearsing what to say to management is futile. The time for that conversation has long since passed. This is about me knowing what I want and what I plan to do about it. I have already said everything I can say and done everything I can do.
I told the manager last Thursday that I wanted the training to start the following Thursday “or I will plan accordingly.” I am not planning on quitting in the next couple weeks, but, if the training does not commence this week, I am ready to update my resume and start looking. Here is management’s choice: train me or replace me and train that person. Do you see how training is still mandatory? Someone will be trained, one way or another. We have enough floor people now. Their excuses have been exhausted.
I am trying to handle this as a more mature person. One step at a time.