Ready to Go

This past week, I purchased my cremation and transportation (back to Michigan, if need be) insurance. It cost a little over $4,ooo. That hurts. But the only thing worse than paying it all up front would be to make payments with interest on it for the next few years and paying even more. Death sucks.

But there is a freedom to this. I still need to get a signature from my friend to be my funeral representative. She has agreed and I have proof that none of any of this will cost her a dime. I can go to another state, fall asleep, not wake up, and everything is all taken care of.

I feel like everything is a compromise (or perhaps “negotiation” is a better term) and that compromise is not always pretty. At work, we have lost two cashiers. This past Thursday was just plain ugly. I was cashiering because they had no one else to do it at all. That meant that the floor was trashed. Stuff was everywhere. Production was high. They started running out of racks in the back. It was horrendously stressful for me and the manager on duty. The next day, Friday, there were plenty of floor people and the place looked fabulous. I only had to be the back-up cashier, which was all I ever wanted in the first place. Friday was what I wanted. Thursday, and until they replace the cashiers, what matters is what the store needs. The store manager and I have each made compromises and this is what it looks like.

Since Barry passed, my life is about me. What do I want and need? I have never known, but now I have the time and energy to deal with these issues. The Crappy Childhood Fairy has helped, as have various books. My entire life, I was too overwhelmed to deal with much of anything. Especially with Barry and his medical issues, I had to continually set aside my feelings and deal with that minute’s reality. Now I can, with a much higher degree of clarity. I can feel the feelings and deal with the issues. I can much more easily recognize which issues are mine and which are not. Paying for my final expenses is something I can do to simplify my life. I don’t have to pretend to believe in things I don’t buy into anymore. I can walk away from relationships that never served my needs at any point. It is not my job to protect people from the consequences of their own choices. All I can do is to take responsibility for myself as much as possible. I can avoid a whole lot of drama and do my best to create as little of it as possible. Is this freedom? It might be.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Ready to Go”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Anyplace you find no drama, you have arrived!

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