Horrifying Realization

This past week, I had one of those moments when a whole lot of dots get connected simultaneously and it actually makes me gasp for breath.

I am determined to deal with my issues. I see this as my last chance. I have never had much of a will to live. I have a friend at work that recently tried to kill herself. I know how she feels. She is, I think, 14 years older than I am. Oh hell no! It is unacceptable to me to feel that way 14 years from now. I will shoot myself first. To still be having shame attacks at my current age is bad enough. Whatever it takes, I’m willing to do it because this is my last shot. I am unwilling to continue that way. Feeling like that makes life definitely not worth living.

It was Wednesday. I had seen my psychoanalyst. I have been reading many books regarding trauma. I highly recommend the author Pete Walker and, oh yeah, The Crappy Childhood Fairy online. I was watching Law and Order: SVU. I love that show because it is all about trauma. Detective Benson was in this woman’s house and the living room was a little messy but not too bad. Then she looked at the magazine on the piano: it was from 1979! The suspect kept repeating strange phrases. It hit me. OMG! There is no future without dealing with past trauma! Just an endless repetition of an unhealed past.

None of these ideas are mine. I just finally understood them on a cellular level this past week. The “repetition compulsion” of psychoanalytic fame is nothing but the subconscious bring up the exact same issue for the 523rd time to try to heal it, to get some very basic need met. Karma is destiny. The unhealed elements from the past get endlessly repeated as “fate” or “karma.” Some Southern writer once said, “In the South, the past isn’t really over. It isn’t even past.”

I have been reading “Healing Collective Trauma” by Thomas Hubl. It takes everything I have been learning about individual trauma and ups the scale. It even references Otto Scharmer’s “Theory U.” The problem with these larger scale books is that they seem to assume that the individuals in a system are already healed or didn’t need to heal; in other words: they don’t have “issues.” Hubl’s book makes at least some effort to bridge individual issues to the larger whole. These are the books that will lead to the answers that will help humanity the most in the long haul.

However, before people can be part of the larger solution, they must deal with their own issues first. Or all they do is to project their own crap onto everyone else. Before we can do Scharmer, we need to understand Walker. We need to do The Crappy Childhood Fairy. (This woman actually shows you how to re-regulate your brain/nervous system. What more do you want?) We are not going to deal with systemic racism before we deal with those folks who say stupid shit like, “My father beat the crap out of me and I turned out OK.” Uh…no you didn’t. Soooooo didn’t.

Politically speaking, you know Trump never had anything to offer because his slogan was “Make America Great Again.” The key word is “again.” The slogan makes the false assumption that America was ever great in the first place. For the slaves…not so much. Having a repeat of a dysfunctional past does not appeal to me at all. Malcolm X talked about “chickens coming home to roost.” That day is here.

I am not black, but I live and work in a ridiculously diverse world. If it doesn’t work for everyone, a “solution” ultimately works for no one.

I am unwilling to just keep repeating crap that never worked to begin with. I am unwilling to feel that way endlessly as I age. My life depends on my healing. The future of the world depends on your healing. We can’t give what we don’t have. We can’t teach what we don’t understand. It is so obvious to me now.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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