Scrupulous

I am annoying myself. I am a pain in my own ass. It reminds me of the movie “Liar Liar” starring Jim Carrey. He is in the bathroom before a trial and basically beating himself up. Someone sees him banging the toilet seat on his own head and asks what he is doing. Incapable of lying, he responds, “I’m kicking my ass!” When he gets to the courtroom and the judge asks who did this to him, he says, “A guy, about six foot tall, kind of gangly, with big teeth!” in a self-description.

I am okay with making mistakes. It’s aggravating, but humans do that. What I am definitely not okay with is not being able to fix my errors.

I have been doing a lot of cashiering simply because they are desperate for cashiers. I don’t think I am the best cashier, just the most reliable. Sometimes, I am all they have.

The other day, there was a transaction where two dimes were involved. I only touched one of them for certain. I could not recall the other dime. I looked around to no avail. It’s easy to drop change and have it go rolling around. I thought, “Oh crap. Now I’m going to be a dime short.” So I took a dime out of my skirt pocket and threw it into the till a few transactions later.

Guess what? I was a dime over. My favorite manager (female) counted me down and the store manager (male) was there, too. She’s the more by-the-book one. She told me I was a dime over. And I confessed to the two-dime “incident” involving only me. She is sitting there with her forehead in the palm of her hand, shaking her head. She asked her boss if she should simply count me as even and he said yes.

I asked if I was in trouble, and the store manager said, “No. That’s why we love you.” He thought it was quite entertaining. We had been discussing my oddities, like when I do a cash-drop. The manager comes, counts out some money, and prints up a little ticket. I then re-count it for myself, initial the ticket, place the ticket on top of the money, look for the manager’s hand, and place the ticket and money into the the manager’s hand. I am using my senses and trying to be precise.

The point? Technically, I could be fired for putting money into the till. However, as a non-profit, any extra can simply be counted as a donation. What I have done oh-so-many times is termination-worthy. One time, I donated two quarters (because I was so tired of being a little short) and ended up 48 cents over. It pissed me off because it meant that, in reality, I was two cents short, but oh-so-close to being even. I could not explain out loud my aggravation to the manager who counted me down.

My problem? I am perhaps a little OCD about not being short at the end of the day. If I think I have erred, I compulsively try to fix my mistake, even if I did not technically make one.

I was thinking about the right adjective for me. The word “scrupulous” popped in my head. I had to look it up because the word is out of common American parlance. Nobody talks like that anymore. But it is the perfect descriptor for me. “www.merriamwebster.com › dictionary › scrupulous Definition of scrupulous. 1 : having moral integrity : acting in strict regard for what is considered right or proper. 2 : punctiliously exact : painstaking working with scrupulous care.”

The fact that I am so compulsive about this will definitely be discussed with my psychoanalyst.

In the meantime, to quote Jim Carrey, “I’m kicking my ass!”

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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