Vacillating Between Extremes
I am trying to feel “normal”, whatever that means.
When I feel fear or that “fight-or-flight” mode, I do relaxation exercises….Then I fall asleep.
I need some energy to function. This re-regulation of my nervous system is going to be work.
I remember, many years ago, when I realized that the purpose of jiggling my leg was to keep myself awake. It was so subconscious.
I am working at minimizing the toxic shame I have always dealt with. How anyone with a Master’s degree can have so little self-esteem on a regular basis is a testimony to my dysfunctional upbringing.
This is why I am dealing primarily with the feelings and not assuming that anything external can make a difference. Nibbling around the edges has accomplished nothing. I still kept wanting to end myself. So I am dealing directly with my neurology.
Nothing else is worth doing.