Vacillating Between Extremes

I am trying to feel “normal”, whatever that means.

When I feel fear or that “fight-or-flight” mode, I do relaxation exercises….Then I fall asleep.

I need some energy to function. This re-regulation of my nervous system is going to be work.

I remember, many years ago, when I realized that the purpose of jiggling my leg was to keep myself awake. It was so subconscious.

I am working at minimizing the toxic shame I have always dealt with. How anyone with a Master’s degree can have so little self-esteem on a regular basis is a testimony to my dysfunctional upbringing.

This is why I am dealing primarily with the feelings and not assuming that anything external can make a difference. Nibbling around the edges has accomplished nothing. I still kept wanting to end myself. So I am dealing directly with my neurology.

Nothing else is worth doing.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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