Possible Progress

Lately, I have been focusing on re-mothering myself. I now recognize that I was “under-mothered.” That’s when really basic, elementary things most children can rely upon simply were not there. The secure attachment does not exist. The protection did not happen. I learned how to function at a surprisingly high level for survival’s sake. I radically skipped non-negotiable developmental steps. And now it has caught up with me and I am left with the task of giving myself all that I did not receive in the normal course of childhood.

It might be working. I have been feeling very vulnerable lately. Some of it is Covid-related chaos and some of it is leftover, never-ending fear from a lifetime of being unprotected. So I have been doing a lot of meditations and focusing on figuring out what my “inner child” needs now.

Yesterday, I had a rush of…security? I felt safe. I am waiting to see if this is an anomaly or if this might be something more permanent. But even if this is just a blip of safety, at least I now have it in my repertoire. Is this how normal people with “good enough mothers” feel all the time? That’s the Winnicott concept.

On the one hand, I feel like I am so late to the game of having normal feelings and processing them. On the other hand, I come from a family where people would rather die than grow. I am where I am. It’s a whole lot better than where I was even a year ago.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Possible Progress”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I get the lack of mothering!

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