I have needed a lot of reassurance lately.
Sometimes, I have a shockingly low level of self-confidence. I have an MBA. I took care of everything for my husband with Huntington’s Disease for years. I should have ample confidence.
What’s up? Now I am actually feeling my feelings. In my 20s, my most common thought was, “I don’t have the time or energy to deal with this. I just have to do it.” I particularly remember an incident within a few years of getting married. We were having financial problems and I panicked and told Barry how I was feeling. Then he started reacting to my emotions. My thought? “Crap. The last thing I can deal with is his reaction to my feelings. I need to not share what’s going on with me ever again.”
So I did things, regardless of my feelings. I got a lot done, but growing emotionally was not one of them. I was too busy surviving.
After Barry passed, all I had was time. Time to process. Time to heal. And I’ve been doing the best I can. But, superficially, I make no sense. People are mystified at someone who is so articulate and yet has no self-esteem.
My lack of family support has had far-reaching consequences. Now I have good friends. But I feel behind.