Critical Mass?

I have been unbelievably depressed lately. This is what denial is meant to protect everyone from. When nothing works, you end up like me basically.

I thought that maybe I should avoid meditating. Clearly, it is not making me happy and it just doesn’t address the overhwhelm I feel. It doesn’t give me back my lost hearing aid or pay my student loans.

So what compels me to meditate? I have had a taste of synchronicity. I have bumped into things actually going right. I cannot stop connecting the dots, even if I want to.

I am now utterly convinced that human evolution is propelling me forward. Every gain in consciousness at the individual level is felt and somehow rewarded more cosmically. Some things cannot be un-seen or de-understood. Every gain in awareness includes and transcends the previous layers. Multiple atoms create molecules, multiple molecules create organs, multiple organs create humans, multiple humans create families, which create communities, which create entire cultures. Even plants grow toward the sunlight. Like a snowball rolling down the hill, time doesn’t shrink it, but only enhances it. And, if an avalanche is big enough, it can bury an entire village.

Our sub-conscious debris rises to the surface to be healed. How do we heal it? A safe space must be created, be it therapeutic or meditative. Otherwise, the trauma pinches off our life energy, stunts our growth and/or well-being, and stirs up havoc in the family, then the community, etc. Read anything by Gabor Mate.

I am in a mind-blowing amount of pain. I would do anything for a little denial right about now. But, if I have learned anything, no feeling lasts forever. I wish this pain would either kill me outright or bear some real fruit soon. Simply feeling this pain (minus any resolution whatsoever, as far as I can tell) is enough to make me not want to wake up in the morning. It is that bad.


About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “Critical Mass?”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I’m not sure what to say. Are you talking with people…real people, therapists, your friend. Have you taken that little trip with your friend?

    • cdhoagpurple says :

      I am talking with my shrink and friends. I haven’t taken that trip. I am still clueless as to where I want to go. I am trying to become that safe space for myself. That is the ultimate goal, so that I can help others. You can’t give away what you don’t have, so I have to have this for myself. I suspect that this is what “normal” (untraumatized) people take for granted.

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