Critical Mass?

I have been unbelievably depressed lately. This is what denial is meant to protect everyone from. When nothing works, you end up like me basically.

I thought that maybe I should avoid meditating. Clearly, it is not making me happy and it just doesn’t address the overhwhelm I feel. It doesn’t give me back my lost hearing aid or pay my student loans.

So what compels me to meditate? I have had a taste of synchronicity. I have bumped into things actually going right. I cannot stop connecting the dots, even if I want to.

I am now utterly convinced that human evolution is propelling me forward. Every gain in consciousness at the individual level is felt and somehow rewarded more cosmically. Some things cannot be un-seen or de-understood. Every gain in awareness includes and transcends the previous layers. Multiple atoms create molecules, multiple molecules create organs, multiple organs create humans, multiple humans create families, which create communities, which create entire cultures. Even plants grow toward the sunlight. Like a snowball rolling down the hill, time doesn’t shrink it, but only enhances it. And, if an avalanche is big enough, it can bury an entire village.

Our sub-conscious debris rises to the surface to be healed. How do we heal it? A safe space must be created, be it therapeutic or meditative. Otherwise, the trauma pinches off our life energy, stunts our growth and/or well-being, and stirs up havoc in the family, then the community, etc. Read anything by Gabor Mate.

I am in a mind-blowing amount of pain. I would do anything for a little denial right about now. But, if I have learned anything, no feeling lasts forever. I wish this pain would either kill me outright or bear some real fruit soon. Simply feeling this pain (minus any resolution whatsoever, as far as I can tell) is enough to make me not want to wake up in the morning. It is that bad.

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