A Strange Vote of Confidence

I am routinely overwhelmed and sick of it.

I have spent my entire life feeling overwhelmed, like, “This is just too much for me.” I now realize that that is my childhood trauma talking. Children can’t handle adult responsibilities. And various parts of me got stuck at a pretty low level of development. I asked my shrink a couple of visits ago when she thought my primary trauma was, the age I was. She said, “In utero.” Greeeeeeeat. I have all the adult confidence of a preemie.

Here’s the flip side. I have been obsessed with the topic of denial lately. I have seen it in myself and others. Here’s a clue you are in denial: when other people warn you about something and you do not heed their warnings. Been there, done that. A topic will never arise in your mind until your subconscious is ready to deal with it. Period. You can’t make it happen.

(Don’t get me wrong. I believe that denial should be broken, not respected or coddled. If you truly feel that someone cannot handle the truth and you should “respect” their denial, my suggestion is to avoid that person. If you are aware of something they don’t want to deal with, even your very presence will piss them off. Denial is not the same thing as ignorance. Some part of them knows the truth and their tolerance for your awareness will be zero. People can sense levels of awareness. Always keep in mind that the stage after denial is anger.)

The last shrink appointment offered a lot of hope. I have been reading a book by Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery. The book talks a lot about reconnection being part of recovery. I had only glanced at later chapters and it depressed me badly. I have a very low trust level of humans, others and myself. How am I supposed to create these magical, connected, secure relationships when I trust no one? She said, “You don’t need anyone else.”

“You mean I can do this myself?” I responded.

“Yes. Or you wouldn’t be aware of these issues.”

The light bulb went on in my head. “Oooooh. If I wasn’t ready to deal with these issues, they simply wouldn’t rise to the level of awareness.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” she replied.

My adult self may lack confidence. Other people may have varying levels of confidence in me. But my subconscious is saying, “Let’s do this!” I feel encouraged a little bit in a twisted way. Sometimes, it feels hard to get all my pieces on the same page. Can I do this, that, or the other thing? My subconscious is saying, “Damn straight, you can!”

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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