The (Karmic) Momentum Has Stopped
A few weeks ago was my birthday. About a week before that, my mom sent me something in the mail. The envelope was thick and had no return address, as if I was incapable of recognizing her printing. I pitched it in the dumpster in the parking lot of my apartment complex. After the past year, that was exceptionally freeing. I spoke to my shrink. The following day, I felt like something had shifted, but I didn’t know what.
This past week, I got another “bill” from this weird company claiming that I owed them almost three thousand dollars from the accident from last year. I have already contacted my insurance adjustor and he said he had not received a claim from them and suggested that they were scammers. Getting an unpaid “bill” of that size made my heart stop, again. I will contact my adjustor again and I might contact the appropriate regulatory agency. I don’t want a legitimate bill to go unpaid, but my latest letter to them made it clear I need proof that they have submitted the bill to State Farm (my car insurance) first. I gave them the claim number and everything. Any legitimate health care provider should get paid by them and BC/BS of Michigan, and I will pay the balance after the insurances have paid their amounts first. I pay my bills, but I am a widow and scammers are after me all the time.
I know I have made huge emotional progress because that stepping-on-my-chest feeling was so dramatic and I instantly realized that I used to feel like that all the time. Twenty-four/7/365. That was my usual mode of being. I suddenly felt compassion for the young adult that was me, trying to deal with Barry, supporting his sobriety, dealing with my family, school, and/or work. I truly used to live like that, in a continual state of emotional overwhelm. My nervous system has been seriously re-regulated. I give the credit to Crappy Childhood Fairy, my shrink, Pete Walker, and Gabor Mate. Nobody should ever have to live like that routinely. The tools are out there.
But I digress, maybe. Part of the reason the scammer issue is so crystal clear to me is because of this shift I have undergone. I have been doing a lot of meditating lately. I have known something has changed, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. This is what it feels like: a lifetime of momentum has come to a grinding halt. That pushing, pushing, pushing feeling has, uh, ended. Gone. With absolutely nothing to replace it. I have stopped feeding the engine of the barreling train. Without me or my family fueling the motor, it has puttered to a stop. Without my family in the equation, what I put my energy into is strictly my choice. And I am unwilling to fuel the drama.
I believe that I always performed two roles in the family: 1) I am the person my mother could always freely disapprove of and 2) I acted as a buffer between her and her self-destructing sons (as a distraction). My brothers could do anything and we should should all have compassion on them because they have had it so hard. However, when I would do anything one one-millionth as bad as anything they did, I should have known better and how dare I. And we all know Cindy has emotional problems. Without me as a scapegoat, my mother is probably going nuts. I believe that the letter or whatever she sent was her desperate attempt to restart the family karmic train, with me as the emotional dumping ground for her toxic waste. Now there is no distraction. Everything she sends at me rebounds back onto her. Not. My. Problem. Freedom for me.
But still, I don’t know what to do. Is this what normal (non-traumatized) people feel like? I feel lost. Perhaps I have self-esteem now. I’m not sure. All I am sure of is that my former motivation of internal rumbling terror has relented. Fear maybe drives 10% of my choices, whereas it drove 100% of my choices in the past. Part of me feels like, if I died tonight, I finally have some peace. This is what I have been working towards my entire life.
I just received The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate. It is a frickin’ tome. Of course, it is amazing so far. I hope I have something to offer the world in terms of creating a more trauma-friendly world. I also received Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown. I peeked ahead and feel judged because I have cut off my family. But I would rather feel judged than to resume those toxic relationships. Not all relationships are worth investing in. My physical and emotional health are worth more to me than any relationship. Period.