Do Normal People Feel Like This?

I have experienced something, but I am not sure what.

I have spent the past few years trying to re-regulate my dysregulated nervous system, thanks to my shrink, Gabor Mate, Pete Walker, and the Crappy Childhood Fairy. Lots of tears and meditation. Now, something has happened–or perhaps I should say, nothing has happened.

The incessant rumble of infantile terror seems to have stopped. Not everything stops my breath.

What do I feel? Emptiness. It is questionable whether or not that is actually good, but I can say that it is a million times better than unending fear. I look inside and don’t feel anything. This might be the feeling that everyone is trying to avoid with various addictions. But it is such an improvement that I don’t care.

This is not the same as meaning or purpose, but I feel like I am wrapping things up, dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s. I don’t know why.

I am not freaking out and that is good enough.


About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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