Do Normal People Feel Like This?
I have experienced something, but I am not sure what.
I have spent the past few years trying to re-regulate my dysregulated nervous system, thanks to my shrink, Gabor Mate, Pete Walker, and the Crappy Childhood Fairy. Lots of tears and meditation. Now, something has happened–or perhaps I should say, nothing has happened.
The incessant rumble of infantile terror seems to have stopped. Not everything stops my breath.
What do I feel? Emptiness. It is questionable whether or not that is actually good, but I can say that it is a million times better than unending fear. I look inside and don’t feel anything. This might be the feeling that everyone is trying to avoid with various addictions. But it is such an improvement that I don’t care.
This is not the same as meaning or purpose, but I feel like I am wrapping things up, dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s. I don’t know why.
I am not freaking out and that is good enough.