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Digging Deeper for Transformation

I have been working hard at meditation and Microsoft Office. I have been chanting and working at letting go of thoughts. And I have been doing practice modules. Whenever I screw those up, I learn a ton when I fix them.

I am not in charge of anything. But the plan is keeping up my skills and finding a different place to volunteer. I will keep investing in myself. I am the only one I have any control over.

One good thing has happened. There is this woman my age that also goes to the blessing on Thursdays. A couple weeks ago, she kept interrupting and invalidating what another person was saying. In the past she had repeatedly invalidated things I had said after the blessing and no one had confronted her about anything, ever. Well, this time they did. The leader actually spoke to her about how important it is to not interrupt people and to not invalidate people. So she decided not to come back! I am so happy! She told the leader she could not guarantee that she would not do the same thing again.

I am so relieved. I feel like a problem in my life has been solved without me having to take absolute, full, 100% responsibility for it myself. Even if she does come back, it is with the understanding that her behavior was unacceptable. I stayed out of it and am reaping a great reward for doing so.

Perhaps it is pure cowardice on my part, but survival for me has always involved keeping my head down and not making various situations all about me. That’s what the interrupter doesn’t understand: She’s not “correcting” people’s wrong ideas and fixing them. She is only drawing attention to her own disrespectful behavior. If people say stupid things, let the stupidity stand. What others say reflects only on them. But the minute you interrupt someone, you draw the attention to your own poor behavior.

With the political chaos and people losing their health care everywhere, it is hard to maintain equilibrium. The conclusion I have reached is that the best thing I can do for the world is to not go crazy myself and to encourage sanity in others by trying to be a good example.

 

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So Much Can Happen in a Week

Last week was the Social Security drama. I dealt with it instantly and am so glad I did.

This past week I got a phone call from an employment agency. I went in instantly. (No point in wasting time.) They lady wanted me to take some tests, including Excel and Word. I did so and did really badly (17 out of 30 on both tests). Wait a minute. I was proficient¬† when I went to school. What’s up with that?

I thought about it and realized a few things. First, there were many functions I never used in school, such as mail merge. And second, Microsoft has changed since I wrote my gazillion papers. Things have moved around.

I emailed the lady and told her I would do some tutorials and she said I could always be retested.¬† So I found a great website with practice documents and everything. I am going to become queen of the mail merge. There is nothing I can’t learn.

And then there was Barry’s neurologist appointment. Goudreau said the thing I thought was a lymph node was just a part of his trachea, minus all the fat and tissue that most of us have to cover it up. It’s hard for the average person to know what is normal in such an abnormal situation. Everything on that side of his neck has deteriorated because of that nerve they cut when they removed the tumor and lymph nodes. And MSU is official Parking Hell. I drove past the correct entrance because the normal one was closed.

Eight days ago feels like three months ago. And today’s projected high temperature is 80 degrees. In October, in Michigan. Seriously? By the end of October, the average daily high is not even sixty.¬† The leaves are falling and it feels like summer. When so much happens in a short period of time, it is all quite disorienting.

Will I be a Freak?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about local culture and how normal we think something is when maybe…not so much.

It is now October. November 15 has always been the first day of firearm deer-hunting season in Michigan. It was always such an obsession that GM would use one of its “floating holidays” for that day because nobody would show up to work anyhow. Everyone either had a cabin up north or a friend with one that would let them hunt on it. And the deer hunters are very necessary. Otherwise, the population is over-the-top and they start invading neighborhoods, eating any foliage/produce they can find. God help the homeowner with a flower patch or garden. Nice nosh for the white tails.

For many up north, this is their meat for the winter. Unless they hit one automotively, which happens frequently. I have no problem with people shooting their food. Sometimes survival demands that you assert your position at the top of the food chain. The flip side is that I do not believe that every American has the right to own an AK-47 or any other automatic or semi-automatic weapon. I don’t buy the idea that the founding fathers would support some of the out-of-control gun culture I have seen. Common sense is the foundation of gun control.

The point is what one considers to be normal is often locally determined. For example, I never heard of people I know going to Six Flags in Chicago. We always went to Cedar Point, which is most of the way to Cleveland, much further away. Is there a preference for Lake Erie, as opposed to Lake Michigan? I wonder if Iowans or Nebraskans routinely take holidays for corn-husking. Just because something is normal for you growing up doesn’t imply that others understand or willingly participate. But nobody knows this in their teens and early twenties.

 

Yes, It Was a Mistake

Let me explain what I read from the Social Security office: “Thank you for your willingness to serve as a representative payee. We have decided that it would be best for BARRY to have his checks sent to another payee.”

My logic: Another payee?!! Whom?! Wouldn’t we at least receive a notice that someone had applied to be his payee? His checks are going to be sent to someone else’s bank account? Our income is going to go to someone else? WTF?!! Oh, hell no! Someone just messed with the wrong person. They will pay and wish they had never messed with me.

I dragged poor Barry to the Social Security office. He was not happy, to put it mildly. Being dragged to a government office drove him nuts, not that it’s anyone’s favorite place to be. The worker got to see just what Huntington’s does to a person’s personality.

Nobody had applied to be his payee. This other payee? Barry himself. I was just so relieved that the money would still go into our account and that I did not need to go directly to the lawyer’s office in preparation for a legal battle.

The problem? The SS people said they had not received the paperwork from the doctor’s office in time and so had to deny. Perhaps the doctor’s office did not fax them the info. I know these people and I had called to ensure that they had faxed the info. So, I am not really believing that. Especially since one of the other SS workers said, “Why does it say ‘completed’?”

I had the letter from the doctor’s office. I spent all morning at the SS office and even a little into the afternoon. It was exhausting. But I am his payee now. It really does not have much practical impact unless someone does try to take his money because it still goes into our account. The main difference is that I can now change his address and that kind of thing. Anyone that wants his money will have to go through me, as it should be. And, yes, we would be notified if someone had applied to be his payee. I specifically asked that.

Whom am I pissed at? The author of the extraordinarily poorly worded denial letter. Given the Equifax breach, I was rightfully concerned that someone, somewhere had found a way to access Barry’s SS account. To me, it seemed to be very carefully worded. In actuality, it was very care-less-ly worded. I, or probably just about anyone else, could have done a much better job.

The SS office could have saved me an entire morning and a whole lot of drama had the writer simply chosen his words more carefully. The office is always packed. Are they trying to drum up business for themselves? Your taxpayer dollars at work.

Hope This is a Mistake

Today, I got a letter from the Social Security Administration saying that I can’t be Barry’s beneficiary payee because they’ve decided on someone else. Whom? Excuse me?

I am Barry’s wife of 28 years. I am his Power of Attorney. I am his primary caretaker. And his checks are going to be sent somewhere else?

If this is not a mistake, I’ve got a can opener and a big-ass can of whoop-ass I am about to open. This is Social Security fraud and the perpetrator will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Their ass will be incarcerated.

I am mystified and livid. If I were going to rip off Barry’s Social Security, I would have done it many years ago. Whoever it is needs to prove my incompetence in handling his money. I do everything for him. Ev-er-y-thing.

What makes this so scary is that Barry is what is called a “vulnerable adult.” He has Huntington’s Disease and probably cancer and someone wants to steal his Social Security checks? This is, literally, a federal offense. Who would do this to a sick, old man, an invalid?

Tomorrow morning, I am going to the SS office and then probably our lawyer’s office. If someone is intentionally doing this, this is some seriously bad karma on their part. I will make them regret their actions in this life and karma can kick their butt in eternity. They will pay forever. No joke.

OMG So Pure Michigan

I found this picture and caption and thought, “Yup. That hits the nail on the head.” Rugged, slightly (?) white trash, probably driving a Ford or Chevy, maybe a Yooper (resident of the Upper Peninsula). Just how much venison has a Ford, Chevy, or Ram imprint in the meat?

If you are a furry animal, we suggest you run far far away from the state of Michigan. The Great Lakes State is known for their road kill and their guns. If you have not hit a deer in Michigan, you are probably not from the state. If you have hit a deer in Michigan, you probably hit the animal with an American car. You will find very few foreign cars in this part of the country because Michigan is home to three major U.S. automobile companies.

22

Relaxing Too Much?

I have a pattern. Stress, stress, stress, relief, immune collapse. I did it for years at school. Ten minutes after a final was over, instant cold.

I have been so happy about looking for a job and having real possibilities that I totally relaxed, and got a cold a couple days ago. It is just a head cold. So my nose is stuffed up. Clogged sinuses are giving me a chronic, low-grade headache. Ugh,

This is a “summer cold” because it is 90 degrees, day after day. Tell me there’s no global warning. Ha! Denial of climate change is no different than denial of alcoholism or drug addiction. The question is always the same: Just how bad do things need to get to have some acknowledgment that the problem is real? How many hurricanes in one year will it take to wake up some people? Ninety-four degrees in Michigan at the end of September? Are you freaking kidding me? The normal is just barely hitting seventy.

What’s truly weird is how the leaves are changing. It looks like October and feels like July. It’s just wrong.

Honestly, I feel more optimistic than I have in years. Because I really have to work, there’s less guilt. Few people would have a problem with me working after having put my life on hold for Barry for so many years. And I wouldn’t care about their opinions at this point, anyway. I have granted myself a great deal of freedom because I realized no one else was going to. I am reducing my internal chaos levels and ending my need for everyone’s approval is the ultimate in de-cluttering.