Starting to Meditate Regularly

The world has stopped temporarily. It has been so cold that even mail delivery has not occurred. Worse still, there was a fire at a Consumers Energy location that Governor Whitmer issued an emergency declaration, telling Michiganders to turn their thermostats down to 65 degrees or lower until Friday.

That means no work or anything. So I have been home alone, reading, watching TV, and meditating.

I finally am not emotional toast from Barry’s death.

I have been reading Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. A few years ago, I would have seen such a book as abstract and academic. Now I want to know where Barry went. And it goes into so many energy-based things I find fascinating: meditation, ghosts, karma, mercy, and soul development, just to name a few.

This upcoming week will be crazy. I work four days in a row, have Tuesday off, work Wednesday and Thursday, and then spend five days in Florida with my folks. And it will be crazy for the rest of the Midwest as well because now everyone is behind. With everyone staying home in the record cold, I assume there will be a lot of Halloween babies nine months from now.

It all feels pre-ordained.


Things Working Out

Soon, for a few days, I will go to Florida. I was concerned about the shutdown and its effect on air travel, but the shutdown has been put on hold.

I am so relieved. Now it is unlikely politics will be the first thing Dad wants to talk about. I am not going to the sunshine state to talk politics.

I am so happy that Nancy Pelosi knows how to handle Trump. He is a bully. I see him as a toddler throwing a tantrum in a Meijer aisle. She took him by the hand, hauled his butt outside, slapped his hiney good, looked him in the eye, and said, “Now, Donny, don’t you ever do that again. Do you understand?” His understanding is still highly questionable, but her strength of character is not. This is his first time being being President; this is not her first go-round as House Speaker. She knows the rules and understands how the three branches of government check each other’s powers. He does not. She is the adult in the room and now everyone knows it.

Will the government shutdown again? Probably. But I won’t be flying by then. I think declaring a national emergency would be playing into Pelosi’s hand. Let Trump take money from wildfire and hurricane victims. Remember Harvey in Houston? I can’t think of a more efficient way of turning Texas blue.

That’s my rant of the day.

Having to Let Go

I booked my flight to see my parents in Florida early February. Why did I put it off? I was waiting for the government shutdown to be over.

It may be a nightmare or it could be borderline normal or it might be over by the time of my flight.

I know my dad will want to talk about politics if the situation affects my flight. I cannot do that. I have to be the adult in the room. That’s all there is to it. I have to maintain my self-control in the face of a Trump supporter. The ultimate challenge. Wish me luck.

Unexpected Movement?

Today, two odd things happened to me.

Number one, the career services lady at my alma mater emailed me about a possible proctoring job. I couldn’t find it through the link she gave me, but I might be willing to apply if it doesn’t interfere with my Goodwill job. The point is, I haven’t heard from her in probably over six months.

Number two, the guy from Michigan Rehabilitative Services called regarding my working at Goodwill. I emailed him the information he requested. The point? He is going to call them probably and talk to a manager, which is super cool.

Why do I think this is cool? Because I have been gradually opening up. I have a manager that is interested in “picking” my brain. That is so awesome. I am looking for ways to be useful and I gave her a list of things I know a lot about. I feel like I am coming out of my shell gradually and it feels good. I think I must be sending the universe some kind of signal.

What is Normal?

I spent time with a friend today, who told me all about her mother that has no boundaries. The mother told her (the mother’s) neighbor that my friend has shingles. She took her mother to task for that. Why on earth does the neighbor need to know? Her mother has done weirder things than this, even with me present.

It reminds me of my family and work situations. I blogged about dodging a bullet with a co-worker who wanted me to tell others what to do (“You’re not telling them. You’re guiding them,” she said), to which I had a visceral “Are you freaking kidding me?” type of response.

Here’s the context. About a decade and a half ago, I joined the Greek Orthodox church. (Wow, is that a long story in and of itself.) There was this woman I instantly got along with (a bad, bad sign given my family’s total lack of appropriate boundaries). People kept warning me about her, saying she was controlling and/or just plain nuts. I maintained my relationship with her because she always treated me well, although her presents were very odd and assorted behaviors seemed off-kilter. She was one of the most fascinating people I have ever met. She actually knows church history and I could have an intelligent conversation with her about topics that interest me, a rarity.

But she was basically stalking the priest. Sending him long, emotional emails and looking to always speak with him. It was Holy Week. The priest informed me that if she tried to speak with him the following week, “she won’t get the best of me.”

She and I are talking on the phone and she says she will speak to the priest the next week. I say, “Not a good idea.” She says, “It’s important.”

I say, “Fine. But you’ve been warned. I will not protect you. And I don’t want to hear about it when it blows up in your face and it so will.”

That was basically the end of our relationship after five or six years of being extraordinarily close. She was essentially kicked out of the church. And I learned a massive amount regarding narcissistic personality disorder and what the signs are.

This is why I am so exultant that I avoided the relationship with the co-worker. I never, ever want to go through that again.

I must be attracting these people into my life, along with people that, like me, come from families that don’t seem to have any boundaries. Some families must have boundaries. It is kind of like when I tell people, “I am sure that people exist that do not abuse alcohol and that can drink socially. I’m just not related to any of them.” I think I am attracting some more normal-ish people into my life, but I am starting to suspect that functional people might be the minority.

The reason I feel so lucky is because I am particularly vulnerable right now, with Barry’s death less than a year ago. I could really use some more friends right about now. And, worse still, I have spent most of my adulthood looking for mentors. The lady at the Orthodox church took me under her wing as a newbie. I have always wanted role models worth looking up to. In my life, it has always seemed like the people most intent on telling me what to do with my life have had theirs spinning out of control. And, to make matters even more severe, part of me really wants to impart wisdom into the next generation. The idea of “You’re not telling them what to do. You’re guiding them,” is unbelievably seductive to me at this stage of my life.

But I can just imagine the awkward conversation with one of the managers when other employees start complaining about me telling them what to do. How would it sound to a real manager if a peon said, “I’m not telling them what to do. I’m guiding them,”? I am so glad I never have to have that conversation.

But the vulnerability is still there. I still seek mentors. And I do want to pass on my hard-earned wisdom to upcoming generations. I am trying not to allow my unmet emotional needs to kick my ass once again. It’s just hard to know what’s appropriate, given my history, familial and otherwise.

Avoiding the Hole

In the recovery movement, there is a story. It goes something like this:

  1. I walk down a road. I fall into a hole. It is not my fault. It takes forever to get out.
  2. I walk down the same road. I fall into the same hole. It is not my fault. I get out a lot quicker.
  3. I walk down the same road. I walk around the hole.
  4. I walk down a different road.

I did step 3 a couple days ago at work. A co-worker I will call “J” told me not to put items on the furniture. Okay. Whatever. Then she told me to tell my other co-workers the same thing. I said, “No. Absolutely not. I do not tell my co-workers what to do.”

She said, “You’re not telling them. You’re guiding them.”

I said, “There is no difference.”

She said, “Yes, there is. But if  you don’t want to follow the policy…”

I said, “What policy? There’s a policy? I have never heard of this policy.”

I stew for about a half hour and then go to the available manager and ask about this policy that no manager has ever informed me of. The manager tells me there is no such policy and that if there were, it would be written down.

I go back out to the floor and tell J, “There is no policy. Be careful.”

J says, “Just because this manager doesn’t know doesn’t make her right.” She is questioning the policy and procedural knowledge of an actual manager. This is so not my fight. I reply, “I don’t care.”

I spent the rest of the day almost giddy with relief. Why? Because J had been making overtures at becoming a real friend of mine. She even called us “sisters” because we had both lost husbands named Barry. I was on the verge of investing serious time and energy into developing a friendship with her. She had been very kind to me, but I felt like she was a little bossy.

I realized that she wasn’t simply “bossy.” The woman has zero boundaries. She feels free to tell me what to do, which I can listen to or choose to ignore. But when she started telling me what to tell my co-workers to do, then she was acting as my manager and putting me in a managerial position with my co-workers (“co-worker” means “equal peon” in my lexicon). The fact that she does not comprehend that there is no distinction between “guiding” people and simply telling them what to do is just plain scary.

To understand my relief, you need some context. I spent many years in a close friendship with a narcissist. It took years for me to realize how profoundly disturbed that friend was. Getting out of that relationship was very painful.

I got out of this relationship before I invested any time or energy into it.

Is there any real way for me to walk down a different road? I don’t know.

I still have to work with her. I know it is highly unlikely I will ever be forgiven for fact-checking her.

But I don’t care. These are her issues and there is no reason whatsoever to make them mine. This is going to be awkward, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. I know what’s mine and what is not and that is the foundation of my life.


This has been a powerful weekend.

I spent the weekend with my friend Harpreet. I usually call her Rose. She lives in NC, but is originally from India.

We ate out at DeLuca’s. We colored my hair purple. We visited Barry’s grave. And we saw “Instant Family.”

I bawled repeatedly during the movie. I just don’t do that. I feel like there must have been something in the movie that I need to act on, career-wise. I don’t have those kinds of reactions generally. I responded to the feelings of urgency, those windows of opportunity that open briefly and then shut forever in a person’s life. You either do something in a moment of need–or you don’t. Either way, your reaction is remembered forever. Never, ever forgotten.

And, yet, at the same time, I am very messed up emotionally. I realize just how easily overwhelmed I am. I am trying to be kind to myself. Grief is kicking my butt and everything reminds me of Barry.

My ability to intellectually sort through my emotional responses is limited right now. I hope to function more clearly at a later date.