I’ve been determined to be more aware of my intuition.
I can’t make it happen, but I can remove all obstacles. I’ve been meditating, reading, and living in the silence as much as possible (given that Barry has the TV on almost all the time).
I am becoming like a laser, with fewer and fewer distractions. The weather helps. When it is only 15 degrees outside and the wind is whipping around, staying indoors is the easiest choice.
I had that intuitive hit a few weeks ago of, “He (Barry) is never going to see her (Bailey) again.” I want that in every area of my life. That voice was so interesting. It was drama-free, emotion-less, simple, and matter-of-fact. There was no commentary, just a knowing and a sense of finality. I am willing to do whatever I can to hear that voice in every realm. It is so much easier now that I don’t have a house to take care of.
The next season is spring and I want to be ready as much as is possible. My obsessive mind hasn’t served me all that well and so I’m no longer letting it take the lead.
A lot of things have been happening as of late. I had the weird intuitive feeling. I’ve been having the strange, moving energy. My step-daughter seems to be losing her mind, which has led to a great disappointment for her dad. My sense of urgency is now raging.
I’ve talked about the first two things, so I will start with the third. What do I mean that she is “losing her mind”? I mean that My best friend’s daughter is behaving in an eerily similar manner while on drugs, leaving me to wonder if Bailey is on drugs as well. Bailey is planning on leaving Michigan, just like my friend’s daughter. What this means is that Barry cannot see his grandsons this week because no one wants to upset her. Seriously? She wants to see her kids as much as possible before she leaves the state. Never mind that Barry hasn’t seen Austyn nor Drew since Christmas 2014. Everywhere she goes, chaos is the rule. Barry might be able to talk to the boys this week, but he was crestfallen that he wasn’t going to see them.
The sense of urgency is multi-faceted. I am so upset with Bailey because Barry’s mind is going. His body might be around a year or two from now, but his mind won’t be. Also, I feel that I won’t be living in the apartment for more than a year or two. What keeps going through my mind and heart is, “THIS IS IT.” I don’t even know what that means, but I feel a major sense of finality.
I think I have gotten rid of the ants in the bathroom. I went from having a few to one to none. I kept seeing gaps in the caulk. And I kept filling the gaps. Do ants eat caulk? Eeuuw.
I am starting to trust my feelings/hunches. This is new.
I dedicated this winter to going deeper within, resting from the traumas of late, and dealing with whatever needs to be dealt with. I can see the differences.
For example, my bathroom has had a few ants lately. One day, I noticed an ant going into this little gap of the caulk. What can I do? I went to the store and bought some caulk and filled the gap. I’ve never done anything like that before. Did I do it right? We’ll see.
Also, I think I’m noticing more intuition. I suspect it’s always been there, but I have always been too obsessive to notice. I was driving around yesterday, thinking about other things and it occurred to me: my husband and I are never going to see his daughter again. Maybe it’s just the emotional impact that struck me.
We have not seen Bailey in two years, since Christmas of 2014. Since we last saw her, she has gotten engaged, married, and divorced. Barry and Bailey even talked on the phone a week or two ago and she gave no indication of wanting to see her dad. I asked him if he gave her our new address and he said no. I mentioned to Jeff’s (Bailey’s first ex and father of Barry’s grandsons) mom the address we sent Bailey’s Christmas card to and she said, “That’s three addresses ago.” In other words, we do not have her address. Nobody knows where anyone else lives.
Why would we see her? I guess I had never thought of it like that. Barry had stage four cancer and she did not come and visit. We never met her latest husband. What on earth would be important enough for Bailey to say to herself, “I should really see my dad.” We are going to see the boys without her. Jeff’s parents are going to bring them to Lansing. So, Barry will see his grandkids without seeing his daughter. Weird. I really feel the emotional impact now because I don’t know how long Barry will live. It made me really sad to feel that he would never see his daughter again. The thought was so disconnected from my activity at the time—running errands. It was one of those “Where the hell did that thought come from?” thoughts.
I wanted to dig deep this winter. When you start digging, I guess you just never know what you’ll dig up.
I am prioritizing my needs. As many women know, this is a revolutionary act.
Maybe a week and a half ago, Barry threw out the person trying to help us. The hospice nurse was asking us questions, to see what, if anything, we qualify for. When Barry learned they had no financial help for us, he told her to leave. So she and I sat in her car and I answered questions. She said I might have to take him to court. For what? “You may need to have him declared mentally incompetent.” Ugh. It has come to this. She also suggested that I contact a union lawyer to see if I can shore up my POA.
I hate this. But my life is passing me by and that is no longer okay. It is only a few weeks until 2017. I got my MBA in 2012 and have done nothing with it. I need to get aggressive about getting respite care so I can work a little and have something on my resume.
Also, I am seeing what I need. I had a belt that used to hold up a skirt that had become a little too big. The belt disintegrated, so I ordered another one. Also, I lost my favorite hat (and only winter hat) at either Barnes & Noble or in the mall hallway. I will see if the mall’s lost and found has it. At any rate, I ordered two more purple winter hats online. Also, I realized that I had given to Goodwill my cardigans, so I ordered two new ones online. Normally, I don’t wear cardigans because they are another layer of clothes that I don’t generally need. But this winter has been unusually cold and ridiculously snowy. Michigan in December, whodathunk it? Climate change has messed with the usual expectations.
I’m done feeling guilty for trying to get my needs met. When Barry threw out the one person actually trying to help us, I knew this was a new phase. He is not the man I married and I am not going to put my life on hold indefinitely for this person. It’s undoubtedly the Huntington’s and my needs have been put off for so long that I no longer care about Barry’s. I’ve learned that if I don’t care about my own needs, guess what, yours don’t matter, either. If my needs are not a priority, there is simply no reason for me to care about other people’s. I realized that if someone threw me in jail for neglecting Barry, part of me would be alright with that because, if I were in jail, sitting in jail would be all about me. The state could feed me and support me and Barry would instantly become his sisters’ problem, not mine. It would be a fine form of revenge. That’s cold, but I am so past caring. People never talk about the emotional reality of caregiving. If you do it long enough, it stops being giving because you ultimately stop caring. “Oh my god! What if he dies?” becomes, “Oh please, god, help him to let go or just take me now. Please end this caretaking phase of my life once and for all.” At that point, it gets a whole lot easier to ask for help, oddly enough.
I’m not sure what is going on.
I am trying to get respite care help, without much luck, I think. Hospice can’t do much without a terminal diagnosis. But at the same time, I am having Barry’s chiropractic x-rays sent to his regular doctor, whom he will be seeing a the end of January and he has agreed to get another chest x-ray. I want an explanation for the cough. Even if it’s just an ordinary lung infection curable with a round of antibiotics, I want to know. My need to know what is going on now trumps his unwillingness to know. I don’t care anymore if he wants to know. My willingness to live in the dark regarding his health is gone. Forever. I am not okay putting my life on hold indefinitely anymore.
But there’s something else going on, and it’s weird. The moving sense of warmth has continued. I have been trying to figure out what it causing it, to no avail. I can be outside in the snow (where I should be uniformly cold) and sometimes I will feel it moving around. I will also sense it sometimes while in bed under layers of covers (where I should be uniformly warm). I have tried to consciously control it, without luck. So…let me get this straight. I have no conscious control over it and it doesn’t seem to be affected by external factors. So, there is no internal nor external control. Is it paranormal? Intuitive? If it is one of those, is there a message for me to decipher? I feel like this could take my life in a very different direction, but I’m not sure how.
Part of the idea of moving to an apartment was to focus more and have fewer distractions.
It is working really well. Without being concerned about shoveling, raking, and the like, I have had no distractions. That has some major upsides and downsides. I go crazy much more quickly, but I also am being forced to deal with certain issues. I can’t just wallow in the status quo when I am so bored I am losing my mind. That status quo has to change. Now.
I am creating movement in my life now. Forward or not, I am done waiting for anything to change.
I have to get a sense of purpose–now. I am driving one of my dearest friends crazy by being overly interested in her cat. I need a life, badly.
Everything was drama, drama, drama for so long. The house, Barry’s health, then moving.
Then I got sick. I got a cold that’s worse than one I’ve had in years. Not going to do much until I start to feel better.
Now I am starting to feel better and have more energy. And I desperately need something productive to do.
I need something so motivating that it will get me up in the morning, regardless of Barry’s situation. Something I feel is genuinely important. My problem right now is that everything feels so contrived. I feel like I am trying to manufacture emotions, which never works for me.
I don’t know how to fix this.