My life is getting better, I think, but I am not in control.
I have a friend I would love to help, but there is just no way. Her life is crazy busy. She is married and her husband is planning to retire from the military in a couple of years. She is going to school full-time. She needs to evict her sister from her mother’s house. She is still struggling with a traumatic brain injury (chronic headaches). And I believe she is struggling with some serious empathic distress.
She is one of those people that knows who is calling when the phone rings (pre-caller-ID). She seems to be attracting people with pressing problems. I believe she is an empath with no control over her abilities.
So what do I do? I tell her about two books: “Dodging Energy Vampires” by Christaine Northrup and “The Empath Survival Guide” by Judith Orloff. Then I order them for her from Amazon. I got an email from them couple of days ago saying that they had a delivery failure. My friend and her husband have a house in Eaton Rapids (where I sent the books) and an apartment in Mount Pleasant (where he works and she goes to school at CMU). I can’t even ensure the books get to her. I can’t help. I can just wish her well, I guess.
I like my job at Goodwill, but my feet don’t like working four days in a row. Usually I don’t have to, but when I do, it’s hard. I am not in charge of the schedule. They like me and want me at certain times. I am negotiating with a manager that does the scheduling. They like me working four days a week, but do they all need to be in a row? I actually have a job I like and don’t want to come off as whiny, especially to a manager that just worked for two weeks straight due to their being three managers short (they just hired one last week). (Tiny violin playing for my pity party.)
I got rid of some furniture. VOA came and took it last week. Now I have actual space to put a couch in. I assumed I wanted a futon for extra person sleeping purposes. But my brain was not coming up with anything. I assumed for years that when Barry passed, I would have years and years of pent-up desires waiting to be indulged. Nope. I have never gotten furniture just for myself. I have no idea what I want for the most part. Not a clue.
A different friend emailed me a link to a site that sells couches that fold out to beds. I might get one. What a super-cool idea. But now we are talking about mail order furniture. I have never done that. Will I have to take time off from work? If I am not home, will the apartment office take it? Surely this is not a unique situation for them.
I don’t know what I am doing, but what else is new?
The other day, two friends I have not spoken to in months called me. Out of nowhere. Within hours of each other. Huh?
I had let go of them. I had reached out to them, gotten no response, and moved on with my life.
When I thought about them all the time, nobody was calling. The silence was deafening. I think that they intuitively started sensing nothing from me and subconsciously filled the void themselves by reaching out.
Then there is the furniture issue. My ultimate goal is to only have a one-bedroom-apartment’s worth of stuff. I got rid of the couch and Barry’s chair when he passed. The couch was thirty years old and had no cushioning left and Barry’s chair always put me to sleep when I sat in it within the first five minutes. No matter the time of day or how caffeinated I was. I assert the chair had a spirit of sleep attached to it.
Now I want a futon for my living room. But I am not getting one until Volunteers of America comes and takes the cedar chest, a dresser, and an end table. To add a piece of furniture and simultaneously reduce the total amount of furniture requires that I get rid of more than I acquire. So first the VoA, then Art Van. One thing at a time.
I am doing pretty well. I like my job at Goodwill. I am getting more hours than I even want, but I am adjusting.
This past week, the guy I had been working for told me he was basically closing up shop and doing a National Guard stint for six month in Maryland. He realized that the company he was working for and that he had me come “on board” as an independent contractor. I found another job when the head lady said in an email that “Cindy is wasting her time on our dime.”
Part of the issue is that I would talk to four different people and get four extremely different versions of reality. That means there is a lie somewhere or, at the very least, an uncorrected mis-assumption. Something was not kosher.
Then there was Jim, supposedly making $60k per year and having me run him $100 a week in payroll. It turned out that they had given him one check in two months. Something literally was not adding up.
I would have been extremely pissed at Jim if I had counted on him merging the companies so I would be a real w2 employee. I was not even slightly surprised.
I questioned my judgment. What if I was bowing out of the greatest opportunity of my life thus far? Was I panicking needlessly?
No. My judgment is sound. I saw things accurately. I covered my butt. My judgment has been validated, verified, and vindicated. It is funny how the people in my past who have called me “judgmental” have had the worst judgment ever. Having common sense is deeply offensive to people that want to take advantage of you or that want to live in fantasy worlds. I have no problem with people living in fantasy worlds. The problems in my relationships occur when they expect my unconditional affirmation of their delusion and then expect my permanent residence in their fantasy worlds. My attitude is simple: Good luck with that!
I just listened to an Abraham/Hicks Youtube video. What struck me was the quote, “Anything intentional affects anything that isn’t.”
That sounds obvious, right? But it’s right where I am at. I have been dealing with weird work issue for a couple months now. The bottom-line issue was that everyone in charge was waiting for someone else to make the first move. Meanwhile, my status was in terminal limbo and I was getting screwed over. The solution? I found another job. Period. I took the initiative out of all their hands altogether. Now they can all react to me. It is that simple. I had to take care of myself and that meant taking responsibility for myself. I took my own needs seriously once I realized that they simply did not care.
The video talked about The Secret and structured water and other semi-esoteric things. But “esoteric” means “secret” and the whole point of The Secret is just how open and obvious some of these things really are. Just how secret is the idea that intentions have an impact on our life? What is new knowledge is that intentions affect everything, including water, which makes up most of our body and planet.
Part of my point is that the paranormal is just another level of ordinary reality that we don’t realize we are affecting or being affected by. Structured water feels different. We walk into a building and can feel the different energies of the rooms and not understand why we feel the way we do in one room versus another.
A major theme of my life has been learning to not be any longer a “good little victim.” My personality drives my routines, kind of like Sheldon. I am very structured in general and do things consistently until something in the routine no longer works for me. If I do something once and it works, I have a habit. Perhaps this is the definition of an “addictive personality.” I don’t know. But I generally have to be shown beyond the shadow of a doubt that something no longer works before I stop doing it. In other words, I tend to stay too long in things that no longer work. This includes churches, jobs, friendships, you name it.
I would like to be more sensitive to those energies and to be more intentional in every area of my life. If I don’t, my sanity may suffer. And my financial well-being to boot.
I found another job!
I was feeling particularly depressed on my birthday last week and I went to a hiring fair at my local Goodwill due to the flyer I saw at Michigan Works. I was hired on the spot. No kidding. I got the impression that the interviewer was a little disappointed that I only applied for the part-time position. Orientation is tomorrow morning. The job should be between 24 and 32 hours per week. I was so depressed in the morning but elated in the afternoon,
I say “another” job because I haven’t quit my other ones. I can still help Jim with his receipts and things because that only takes six or seven hours a week and I can do his stuff at home.
My other job is with the Hubers, Dale and Sara. I just emailed my time sheets yesterday and had a grand total of 7.5 hours over a two-week period. Not a joke. Less than five hours per week. I let Sara know that I might still be able to help with the maintenance department transition, but I can no longer guarantee that I will be in the office at certain hours (which is normal for independent contractors, anyhow).
Part of me is concerned they might “fire” me, but another part thinks the concept is quite funny. How meaningful would it be to terminate someone who is still willing to help but isn’t getting any hours anyhow? A month or so ago, Sara said in email to someone else (with an account I have access to) that “Cindy is just wasting her time on our dime.” Zero respect for my efforts to be helpful, efficient, and reliable. Well, I guess that’s not an issue anymore.
Anyhow, I feel like I am coming out of my cocoon to some degree. I no longer feel like I am in some interminable in-between state. I am starting my life now.
I don’t know what I will be doing in my new job, but here’s the kicker–part of me just doesn’t care! I’ll do whatever I can and get more hours to boot.
Chaos is swirling about me. It will be interesting to see where the debris lands when all is said and done.
First, there is work. A couple weeks ago, I saw an email not meant for my eyes where the boss lady said I was “wasting my time on her dime.” She is a young mother so I am trying to cut her some slack, but I lost all respect for her because I have always tried to be efficient, helpful, and reliable, which is so much more than they deserve. So I am looking for an additional job. I have an interview at Biggby (the local coffee chain). Barry and I lived at Biggby for years and at this one in particular. The interview is on Thursday.
In the mean time…..I may have jury duty. I had it this morning. I could also have it Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. I am legally obligated to call in. It simply could not be more disruptive.
Which makes me wonder what the heck is going on. I have a pattern. I always follow a routine and the only thing that stops me from following my routine is when someone or something interrupts or cancels or whatever. Then, invariably, something happens that would have made it so I would have had to cancel on them anyhow. For whatever reason, it is suddenly important that I not do the usual. But I only get to see the reason in hindsight. Why am I not supposed to be in the office these mornings? Perhaps in a few weeks I will know.
The image I got last night was of me being in the eye of the hurricane. In the eye, it is calm and even sunny. While the winds batter all around. “Not my monkey, not my circus,” as my friend would say. I am not taking responsibility for everyone else’s chaos. I’m just taking care of myself. I am refusing the role of victim. It feels good.
Work is crazy. I am only claiming the craziness that rightfully belongs to me.
I found out last week that I am only an independent contractor at one of my jobs. If I had known that, I would never have taken the job. But I am not quitting. I will use it for as much experience as I can get.
And now at least one person is saying no to the independent contractor BS. My immediate boss is out on military maneuvers for two weeks and the family that runs the place is on vacation for the next two weeks. Nobody knows what is going on and I am not in the loop. So tomorrow will be more chaos, but, whatever, I will charge them for the time I am dealing with this drama. If they don’t pay me for all the time, I am done.
In other words, there is a lot of drama, but most of it is not mine and it is not worth taking on as my own.
Then there was the refrigerator drama. “What the heck is refrigerator drama?” you may ask. Saturday evening, I heard some thumping noise and thought that the upstairs neighbors got a big dog that was thumping. Sunday, I realized the noise was my fridge. The noise would happen for hours and then mercifully stop. But the food was still cold and I didn’t want to treat the situation as an emergency. So Monday morning I called the management people. I wasn’t sure they had paid attention to my request. So I called them again in the evening. This morning, the fridge was thumping again and I was about to walk out the door to go to work when they knocked on my door and asked if I had a refrigerator problem. I said, “Can’t you hear it?” They said they would lock up when they left. They called me at work at about 1 and asked when I could empty out the fridge so they could replace it. I said two. There was chaos at work and I had to leave to empty it out. I got home at about 5 minutes to 2. I threw away almost everything except my frozen dinners. They arrived at about 2:30, removed the old one (still running and thumping),and replaced it with one from a neighboring empty apartment.
After cleaning up the mess of the kitchen, I had to go to an audiologist appointment so Michigan Rehabilitative Services will help pay for my hearing aids.
The theme of my life right now seems to be dealing with my feelings, not over-reacting, and not taking responsibility for things I have zero control over.
The solution at work is transparency. Openness and honesty are the only way people are not going to feel lied to and deceived. Anything less speaks volumes about unethical management.