I just listened to an Abraham/Hicks Youtube video. What struck me was the quote, “Anything intentional affects anything that isn’t.”
That sounds obvious, right? But it’s right where I am at. I have been dealing with weird work issue for a couple months now. The bottom-line issue was that everyone in charge was waiting for someone else to make the first move. Meanwhile, my status was in terminal limbo and I was getting screwed over. The solution? I found another job. Period. I took the initiative out of all their hands altogether. Now they can all react to me. It is that simple. I had to take care of myself and that meant taking responsibility for myself. I took my own needs seriously once I realized that they simply did not care.
The video talked about The Secret and structured water and other semi-esoteric things. But “esoteric” means “secret” and the whole point of The Secret is just how open and obvious some of these things really are. Just how secret is the idea that intentions have an impact on our life? What is new knowledge is that intentions affect everything, including water, which makes up most of our body and planet.
Part of my point is that the paranormal is just another level of ordinary reality that we don’t realize we are affecting or being affected by. Structured water feels different. We walk into a building and can feel the different energies of the rooms and not understand why we feel the way we do in one room versus another.
A major theme of my life has been learning to not be any longer a “good little victim.” My personality drives my routines, kind of like Sheldon. I am very structured in general and do things consistently until something in the routine no longer works for me. If I do something once and it works, I have a habit. Perhaps this is the definition of an “addictive personality.” I don’t know. But I generally have to be shown beyond the shadow of a doubt that something no longer works before I stop doing it. In other words, I tend to stay too long in things that no longer work. This includes churches, jobs, friendships, you name it.
I would like to be more sensitive to those energies and to be more intentional in every area of my life. If I don’t, my sanity may suffer. And my financial well-being to boot.
I found another job!
I was feeling particularly depressed on my birthday last week and I went to a hiring fair at my local Goodwill due to the flyer I saw at Michigan Works. I was hired on the spot. No kidding. I got the impression that the interviewer was a little disappointed that I only applied for the part-time position. Orientation is tomorrow morning. The job should be between 24 and 32 hours per week. I was so depressed in the morning but elated in the afternoon,
I say “another” job because I haven’t quit my other ones. I can still help Jim with his receipts and things because that only takes six or seven hours a week and I can do his stuff at home.
My other job is with the Hubers, Dale and Sara. I just emailed my time sheets yesterday and had a grand total of 7.5 hours over a two-week period. Not a joke. Less than five hours per week. I let Sara know that I might still be able to help with the maintenance department transition, but I can no longer guarantee that I will be in the office at certain hours (which is normal for independent contractors, anyhow).
Part of me is concerned they might “fire” me, but another part thinks the concept is quite funny. How meaningful would it be to terminate someone who is still willing to help but isn’t getting any hours anyhow? A month or so ago, Sara said in email to someone else (with an account I have access to) that “Cindy is just wasting her time on our dime.” Zero respect for my efforts to be helpful, efficient, and reliable. Well, I guess that’s not an issue anymore.
Anyhow, I feel like I am coming out of my cocoon to some degree. I no longer feel like I am in some interminable in-between state. I am starting my life now.
I don’t know what I will be doing in my new job, but here’s the kicker–part of me just doesn’t care! I’ll do whatever I can and get more hours to boot.
Chaos is swirling about me. It will be interesting to see where the debris lands when all is said and done.
First, there is work. A couple weeks ago, I saw an email not meant for my eyes where the boss lady said I was “wasting my time on her dime.” She is a young mother so I am trying to cut her some slack, but I lost all respect for her because I have always tried to be efficient, helpful, and reliable, which is so much more than they deserve. So I am looking for an additional job. I have an interview at Biggby (the local coffee chain). Barry and I lived at Biggby for years and at this one in particular. The interview is on Thursday.
In the mean time…..I may have jury duty. I had it this morning. I could also have it Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. I am legally obligated to call in. It simply could not be more disruptive.
Which makes me wonder what the heck is going on. I have a pattern. I always follow a routine and the only thing that stops me from following my routine is when someone or something interrupts or cancels or whatever. Then, invariably, something happens that would have made it so I would have had to cancel on them anyhow. For whatever reason, it is suddenly important that I not do the usual. But I only get to see the reason in hindsight. Why am I not supposed to be in the office these mornings? Perhaps in a few weeks I will know.
The image I got last night was of me being in the eye of the hurricane. In the eye, it is calm and even sunny. While the winds batter all around. “Not my monkey, not my circus,” as my friend would say. I am not taking responsibility for everyone else’s chaos. I’m just taking care of myself. I am refusing the role of victim. It feels good.
Work is crazy. I am only claiming the craziness that rightfully belongs to me.
I found out last week that I am only an independent contractor at one of my jobs. If I had known that, I would never have taken the job. But I am not quitting. I will use it for as much experience as I can get.
And now at least one person is saying no to the independent contractor BS. My immediate boss is out on military maneuvers for two weeks and the family that runs the place is on vacation for the next two weeks. Nobody knows what is going on and I am not in the loop. So tomorrow will be more chaos, but, whatever, I will charge them for the time I am dealing with this drama. If they don’t pay me for all the time, I am done.
In other words, there is a lot of drama, but most of it is not mine and it is not worth taking on as my own.
Then there was the refrigerator drama. “What the heck is refrigerator drama?” you may ask. Saturday evening, I heard some thumping noise and thought that the upstairs neighbors got a big dog that was thumping. Sunday, I realized the noise was my fridge. The noise would happen for hours and then mercifully stop. But the food was still cold and I didn’t want to treat the situation as an emergency. So Monday morning I called the management people. I wasn’t sure they had paid attention to my request. So I called them again in the evening. This morning, the fridge was thumping again and I was about to walk out the door to go to work when they knocked on my door and asked if I had a refrigerator problem. I said, “Can’t you hear it?” They said they would lock up when they left. They called me at work at about 1 and asked when I could empty out the fridge so they could replace it. I said two. There was chaos at work and I had to leave to empty it out. I got home at about 5 minutes to 2. I threw away almost everything except my frozen dinners. They arrived at about 2:30, removed the old one (still running and thumping),and replaced it with one from a neighboring empty apartment.
After cleaning up the mess of the kitchen, I had to go to an audiologist appointment so Michigan Rehabilitative Services will help pay for my hearing aids.
The theme of my life right now seems to be dealing with my feelings, not over-reacting, and not taking responsibility for things I have zero control over.
The solution at work is transparency. Openness and honesty are the only way people are not going to feel lied to and deceived. Anything less speaks volumes about unethical management.
I am having assorted problems. I always look for a theme to my woes.
At least one of my trial hearing aids is not working. I can only, and just barely, hear the phone ring in my left hearing aid. They are programmed into my IPhone5. When technology works, it makes your life so much easier, but when it doesn’t, it is pretty much worthless.
About a week ago, my friend in MD called. I was not accustomed at all to my hearing aids and I may have hung up on her. I may have put my ear onto the phone, which may have accidentally hung up on her because putting my ear to the phone, I think, pushes a button that I don’t want pushed. I have tried calling her back and get her voice mail after just one ring, which is odd, because it has always taken 5 rings for her voice mail to pick up. She may be angry at me, but I have no way of finding out with my hearing aids not working….
And then I have friends who have no idea that actions and words have consequences. There is my friend of thirty years, S, who cheated on her husband, put me in the middle, and then expects me to keep her secret. It dawned on me a few days ago that, even if she told her husband tomorrow, nothing would change what she has done to me. Time won’t change the fact that she put and kept me in an untenable situation for years. A true friend would never, ever do that.
And then there is the friend with cancer, W. W has been living with my friend L since 2012, when L rescued her from homelessness. L kept telling W to not use the address as a mailing address or to tip off management. W accidentally told someone in management a month or two ago that she lived there. Now L has her rent increased by $50 a month and owes that extra $50 retroactively back to the time L moved in in 2004. Perhaps L can have a neighbor sign that W has only been there since 2012, but, if not, L will likely owe $7000 to $8000 in back rent and may have to pay it immediately or risk eviction in 30 days. I won’t take in W because she just screwed over her most recent roommate. I don’t need a roommate like that. She was simply careless. The issue: W is a few years older than myself, 53 or 54. She is too old to have such loose lips. They really do sink ships.
What the hell is wrong with people? I keep hearing that Mercury is in retrograde, as if that explains all the insanity on earth. I guess it hurts people’s ability to communicate. That’s easy to believe.
All I can focus upon is work. Now I am working for DS Huber. They have the right concept: Lansing is becoming a rental town, full of grad students looking to rent houses. They are expanding quickly. I get the impression that the head guy’s wife just wants to stay at home and raise their children, but he’s into real estate and, since she is talented, she is doing a lot of stuff from home. I think she wants to unload that stuff onto me. Starting with payroll. She is training me on that. Also, I am getting accustomed to this software, Rentmanager, where I can generate bills. Last week, I went to the website of the Lansing City Assessor’s office and looked up properties and put the amount due for summer taxes into Rentmanager. Also, they have some realtors working for them, purchasing properties. Each one is responsible for paying the various repair/tax bills for their listings, but that is getting to be a bit much, so they are going to start unloading that onto me. And I am supposed to start on-boarding people, knowing which are normal w-2 employees and which are 1099 independent contractors. And this is me after one week.
And this is all good, once I get used to it. I have a theory that adults do four basic things: marriage, children, school, and work. I never wanted kids. Marriage? Been there, done that. School? So been there, done that. I wanted to work when I graduated but had a sick husband. So that didn’t happen. But now it is all I want to do. I have a key to the office building. I really want to do a good job and be the best they’ve ever seen.
I am just left wondering if the universe is trying to prevent me from doing pretty much anything else. I can’t seem to reach people and some of the people in my life I’m not sure I want in my life anymore. I feel isolated but like there are too many coincidences. There is a message here somewhere, but I’m not getting it.
Remember when I had no job? Now I have two! Seriously.
I started working for this guy that flips houses. He thinks I’m great. Then, another guy who flips houses on a much larger scale hired him–and me.
Right now I am very frustrated because I am trying to handle all of his accounts and the passwords and user IDs he has given me do not work. So I am accomplishing zilch at the moment.
My boss, Jim, is a little ADD. And I am a little Asperger-y. He wants me to handle all the non-physical aspects of the company. If I had access to the accounts, things could get accomplished, but no. My autistic-ish tendencies make me want to rock back and forth in my chair until something changes. So I’m trying to be Zen and meditate while awaiting someone who can actually help me to call or show up.
I sooooooo want to do a good job.
A few days ago, I was at the Biggby’s coffee house where Barry and I always went on his meeting days. I miss him so much and the people there know me and knew him.
Anyhoo…I was staring out the window into the sky, watching the clouds go by and had this sudden feeling of recognition: it was the same feeling I always had staring at the sky while lying on my back behind the high school growing up. I have always loved being alone. But I hadn’t had that feeling in over thirty years.
I thought that part of me had died after 29 years of marriage. Has it been hibernating for three decades? Where has it been?
I feel like I am resuming my single life, which I had never developed in my youth.
And I have a job! I am working for a guy that flips houses, Jim. He’s a really good guy, but a tad ADD. He is unorganized and that’s where I come in. So far, I am simply organizing his receipts, but I have learned how to run payroll. He trusts me with everything, which is huge. He just started his business. My work has started small, but I realize that this job will probably take over my life in the next year.
Long-term agenda: get some awesome experience so I can leave Michigan and work anywhere. I am contemplating Columbus, OH, because I have family there.
Short-term agenda: contact my Indian friend in NC and schedule a long weekend with her before the job takes over my life. I haven’t gone to see her in years. She came to visit me in February 2017. I could not go to her because I could not leave Barry. I have gone nowhere for years. Literally and figuratively. I can travel now that Barry is gone. My first trip was this past February to visit my parents in FL. Now I can have my own life.