Never Handled Anything This Well

I’ve been meditating and getting my nervous system regulated. I realized that I have spent my entire life in one long panic attack. When I was young, there was no vocabulary for this. Everyone has fears and my behavior had no recognized labels back then. It wasn’t until my fifties that I found out about trauma (CPTSD specifically) and how I could feel more normal. Everything has always overwhelmed me. That sounds like such an exaggeration, but it is not at all. Now I recognize the first signs of overwhelm and can do something about it.

I found a new job, but haven’t started it yet. But I gave notice at my old one and had a downright positive experience of leaving. That has never happened. It was not traumatic in the slightest. I was even told I could come back if the new one didn’t work out. (It is temporary and I am more interested in impressing the temp agency than in landing a spot with the potential permanent employer.) I even hugged the store manager before I left. I am not kidding. It was not traumatic. There was no shame. I did what was right for me, freely yet with care. I respected everyone and was respected in return. This has never happened.

Meditation works. The Crappy Childhood Fairy works. Developing friendships works. I don’t know what will happen at the new place, but I handled things totally differently. I still don’t know what will happen, but, for once, I am okay. Finally.

New Awarenesses

I am in a strange situation. My level of awareness is increasing. I am noticing things I never did before.

Here’s the issue: are the things I am noticing actually new or have they been happening all along without my paying attention? The question is important. Is this a new reality that I need to address or has this thing never been important enough to notice for good reason?

I guess I am talking about other people’s behavior. As I become more aware of myself, I am more likely to recognize that exact same behavior in someone else. I’m not talking about projection, which is what we all do when we are unaware of something in ourselves and can’t deal with it. It’s more like, “Wow. This person does that, too. I know it had bad consequences for me. Should I speak up or is it none of my business?” I generally go with the “none of my business” assumption.

It’s a little like having x-ray vision. You see what’s happening and you know what’s likely to happen, but it’s not very empowering. I simply try to protect myself from the consequences of the newly-noticed behavior. Maybe it’s part of getting older. I’ve done more stupid things than you and, so when you do them, I take note (and possibly cover). My hope is that, when people see me taking self-protective measures, people will inquire. However, usually they are at that lower level of awareness that I have spent much of my life at.

The higher level of consciousness I develop, the less hope I have for the world. It’s going to be tough to solve human-created climate change with a generation living in their parent’s basement, smoking pot, and gambling online. Our entire culture is geared deliberately to be addictive, to help people people avoid noticing their feelings on any level.

I really want to be part of the solution, not the problem, to not traumatize people. But, as they say in the twelve-step groups, “Hurt people hurt people.” It starts with individual healing. Do we even have the time to fix these issues? I sure hope so.

“It’s Complicated”

People are driving me nuts.

I bet I have spent thirty hours in the past week helping a friend sort out a situation in a church I used to go to that she still attends. I am so angry at these people. It all started with the president of the women’s group asking the pastor to fire my friend. He obliged, sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. Emails were exchanged. Lies were told by the pastor. He sent one email to my friend at 3:27am, asking for a private meeting. More emails were exchanged, many of which my friend forwarded to me. She and I have had to sort out what jobs are whose, who has the right to do what, who doesn’t, what is worth doing, what isn’t, what is verifiable by going to the Parish Council, and on and on.

Here’s why I am pissed: What could have been a simple termination for any or no reason by the women’s group president has blown up in everyone’s face. My friend has a very sharp legal mind. She will not be bullied by a lying pastor, especially one that has driven out so many people.

Here’s the crux for me. The truth is simple and takes almost no time to communicate. Interactions may be painful, but they are clean, simple, and brief. The truth can also be verified. No big deal.

What is ridiculously complex are lies and people not taking responsibility for their behavior. One lie compounds the next. Half-truths and all-out deceptions can put people’s jobs at risk. Why the hell is the pastor emailing my friend at 3:27 am? Never mind. The answer is irrelevant because there is no good answer.

I have come to know in my bones that most of my problems came from my parents not taking responsibility for their actions. They didn’t do what needed to be done when it was actually possible. You take a bad situation, add time, and subtract personal responsibility, and what you have is death. Death from cirrhosis, the death of someone’s pastoral career, or the death of trust in a church environment where trust is everything.

The problem with these out-of-control situations is that we responsibility-takers, like my friend and I, get scapegoated. It gets old fast. Someone has to take responsibility, right? And that would be us. We don’t know where our responsibility genuinely begins and ends.

And so I try to be supportive of my friend. And it’s exhausting. I am simply trying to clarify her thinking and to help her sort out this mess. And then I burned out. Not being great with boundaries, I didn’t take good enough care of myself and did not meditate sufficiently. So I told her that I needed to back off from the situation for at least a few days. I desperately need to meditate more. Her sending me emails from the women’s society’s headquarters in Detroit was triggering my issues. I am not blaming her. She is truly being treated like crap by the pastor and his henchmen. I’m trying to do for her what I would want someone else to do for me.

My fury comes from the sheer unnecessariness of the situation. The complexity comes from the BS aspect of the scenario. All of it could have been prevented through mutual honesty, respect, transparency, and accountability. At this point, however, there is no longer any potential for simplicity. When the lies started to flow, things got way too complicated way too quickly. Just like my dysfunctional family, none of this had to have happened. It was not inevitable. It is exhausting to deal with this level of complexity. When people have a problem, they need to come forward themselves, not hide behind someone else.

I try very hard to take responsibility for my own errors and foibles. I am not perfect. But I cannot remember layers of lies. My life may suck at times, but it is oh so much simpler than dealing with this utter nonsense.