Some Sort of Shift
I feel like my life is moving and shifting right now. It is an odd feeling, but also right.
Saturday, I had Barry’s memorial service. It was very nice. I got through it, with a lot of crying. One of his sponsors spoke. Some other AA people spoke. It was very beautiful and inspirational. The cake, which my cat pal bought and brought, was beautiful. It said, “Dogs Rule, Cats Drool.” The bulldog face, made of frosting, was wonderful. It even had that canine under-bite. It was so cool. We had DeLuca’s pizza. It doesn’t get any better than that.
I am having interviews all over the place. I knew that once people figured out the skills I have, and the currently unlimited availability, someone would want me. I have an interview on Friday and then another one next Monday. And that doesn’t even count the house-flipping guy I might help out on the side.
What has been odd has been how people seem to want my absolution, like I am a priest or something. For example, the people on Barry’s grandsons’s side of the family did not show up. The grandma clearly wanted me to say, “It’s okay that you went to someone else’s funeral. I understand why absolutely nobody from that side came.” I did not comply. I reminded her that this was the only memorial service for Barry I would ever put on and that having nobody from that side show up added an element of tragedy to the service. I never expected everyone from that side to show up. Her agenda was for me to make her feel better and I very tactfully, yet clearly and undeniably, stated my opinion. I was like, “Uh…No. Having nobody from that side show up was sad. And, by the way, someday, the boys will realize that nobody from that side bothered to take them to their grandpa Barry’s funeral. Now you get to take that to your grave.” She was looking for absolution and I reminded her of karma, basically. I got over the anger, but I am still a little taken aback by the expectation that people should be able to disregard my or Barry’s needs and I should be A-okay with it. Barry got crapped on his whole life and I was his only advocate. And that tradition continued even after his death. That’s the reality.
I have also had other people want me to reassure them lately that their behavior is okay with me. And I often do not comply. Is it my age? Nobody gave a rat’s ass what I thought twenty years ago. I don’t get it. People behave in completely self-destructive ways and expect my blessing. What are they thinking? Where is this expectation coming from?
Today, my mom and I put together my bed. I wanted her help so I would be able to know how to do it myself when I move someday. I feel like I am preparing to move, but I have no idea when that will be. But the interview on Monday is for the company that asked online my willingness to travel or even move and I clicked on 100% on both.
Things are changing and I truly feel like I have begun the next phase of my life. Woo-hoo!