Trying to be Good

I had the surgery. And now I am trying not to aggravate the stitches, but it’s hard because I now have more functionality than I did during the month I wrongly assumed I had only sprained my wrist. It is exceptionally hard not to use my dominant hand.

I want to relate something really weird. I was given a nerve-blocker before surgery. They had to ultrasound me to properly find the nerve going all the way down my right arm. I went to bed Monday night with no feeling in my right arm whatsoever. It was like having 30 pounds of dead weight hanging off my right shoulder. I had no control over it. But it felt like I did. My brain was still sending out signals to my hand. Those signals, however, did not go that far down.. It was like having a “phantom” hand. I could totally feel this imaginary hand–and it was not in the position of my real right hand! I could even flex my imaginary fingers and watch my real hand do nothing. So I was lying in bed with three hands: left, real right, and imaginary right. It felt like I was not keeping my hand elevated, but my left hand was clasping my right hand, my warm and useless right hand. And then I would look over and see my right hand had flopped somewhere and I would place it where I wanted it with my left hand. A couple of times I even slapped myself in the face accidentally! Think about childhood bullies hitting you in the face with your own fist. Twisted.

By the end of Tuesday, I watched the feeling come back over my entire right hand: first the thumb and index finger, gradually going all the way across until my pinkie finally regained full feeling.

I cannot go back to work until the surgeon’s office faxes the FMLA paperwork to HR in Battle Creek. That probably will not be until after I see him for the follow-up on Thursday. So I am likely looking at another week off. I should be happy and excited, but I need to be good and not re-injure my hand. This is my chance to get my act together, but I need to take care of myself. I don’t have a lot of experience doing that.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Trying to be Good”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Ya…that’s weird! Weird and interesting!

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