“To retrieve the soul is to regain consciousness. That is why it is called awakening. Awakening is not enlightenment, but it is a prerequisite. It is the breaking of the trance of blindly following conditioning. It is a coming into your own to find out who and what that might be. We have literally passed out (or never passed in) and become unconscious. Now we must pass in (get fully born) to reestablish consciousness in the body/mind.” Toward the Mystery by Stephen Levine, page 50

I might not get fully born. I have to be OK with that. My conditioning is deep. I may die with my music still inside me.

I was raised in a culture/family where women take care of men. Forsaking my conditioning at this point would be abandoning a sick spouse. To say it would be frowned upon is putting it mildly. Plus, I feel like I have paid my dues and am not going to walk away from the legal rewards for all the time/energy I have put in.

I understand now why so many of the great philosophers have been men: only men have had the luxury of leisure time to sit and ponder the great questions in general. What was Archimedes’ mom doing while he was sitting in the tub?

Sometimes, I identify with AIDS patients from the 80s. To know you will likely die before you have even figured out what you wanted in the first place.

Part of what is difficult for me is watching Barry watch TV, all day, every day, seemingly fine with the status quo, not looking depressed or anything, while my hopes, dreams,and goals slowly wither away. As if it were “all good.” Sometimes, while he sleeps in his chair, I look at him and think, “Really? Seriously?” And another day is gone.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Stillborn”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    One thing I think you HAVE figured out is getting your thoughts and emotions out without apology. I think it is healthy. I was able to start doing it about 8 years ago….it was the beginning of the peace I would find

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