Not Ready

It’s so funny. I really thought that when Barry passed, I would hit the ground running. I had waited for it for so long. He demise had been so slow and painful for both of us.

I tried to go back to work too soon and every rejection felt like God having it in for me. It was awful.

I found work. First wit a nice guy with not the best judgment. I still like him and can use him as a reference. (He went off to Maryland for military training.) But he got me involved with a business that didn’t want to actually pay their employees for their work. They wanted w2 loyalty for independent contractor wages. Not on the up-and-up.

Then I found Goodwill. I am doing work that a high school dropout could do, but I am working 32 hours a week and am respected for my efforts, a giant leap forward from the last employer.

A fellow employee started telling me that if I want to go back to office work, that I need to have a makeover. All the old issues came up: the shame, not feeling good enough, nobody likes me the way I am, etc. She means well. She is in her mid-60s and her husband (also named Barry!) died two years ago. I went into immediate emotional tailspin.

I talked to my shrink about it and she said not to even think about goals of any kind until February. This is still the year of firsts. And January 12th is the anniversary of his death.

Everything still reminds me of Barry and I can’t imagine it not.

How will I ever know if and when I am ready?

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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