Letting Life Take the Lead

More medical drama. Last week the doctor’s office called and said that Barry did have a nodule on his thyroid, but it didn’t look cancerous. Picking up on the disbelief in my voice, the person said, “This is good news.” I know that, without a biopsy, they simply cannot know for certain that the nodule is not cancerous. But…OK. I’ll take it.

Barry has told me that he would get a biopsy for me. Uh, no. That is not what I want. If he were 20 years younger and weighed 30 pounds more and the Huntington’s hadn’t started, I would probably insist on one. But there is no point now. If it is not cancerous, then I just made him have one for no reason. On the other hand, if it is cancerous, he would probably not treat anyhow, having gone through the whole surgery, chemo, and radiation regimen 7 years ago. I am only interested in keeping comfortable at this point.

The doctor’s office freed me from spending this fall feeling obligated to make Barry undergo tests he probably wouldn’t want to do anyhow. I can focus on doing household things. For example, this past Thursday, my mom and I did some serious digging and loping in the back yard.

I had let go and this is most likely the best outcome. I shall continue to do so.

I am learning to live in that space behind the thinking mind that just watches everything. Zen helps. I am learning to let go of anything disturbing. Answers don’t come when I feel crazy anyway.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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