Feeling Complete

My personal, internal drama regarding Barry is ending.

I have asked him if there is anywhere he wants to go, anything he wants to do, or anyone he wants to see while he has time. He said he wants to see his grandsons Austyn and Drew. Anyone else? Their father, Jeff. I am unsure of my ability to make it happen, given that they live in Algonac, almost in Canada. But all I can do is reach out.

My New-Age-y friend that moved backed to CA always used to ask, “Are you complete?” after people talked. That struck me as odd. Now it feels right. We are going to keep talking until we feel we have said everything we need to say. We will keep coming back over and over until there is some satisfaction, understanding, or whatever.

I feel like, when he dies, I won’t have a lot of regrets. I believe that he is going to keep going slowly downhill, until the aspiration gets seriously infected and then he will last a few weeks and that will be it. I think he can go downhill for maybe another year, if he is lucky and keeps holding on, which would be ugly in terms of his appearance and suffering level, but that is his choice.

My choices are over. I can only try to get his grandsons to come to Lansing once or twice more. None of this is up to me. And I am satisfied with my efforts to make him comfortable. And that’s all there is.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Feeling Complete”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    And that is all! I hope you are feeling the peace I got from your words!

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